“Love. Fall in love and stay in love. Write only what you love, and love what you write. The key word is love. You have to get up in the morning and write something you love, something to live for.”

"Life and death. Energy and peace. If I stopped today, it was still worth it. Even the terrible mistakes that I have made, and would have unmade if I could. The pains that have burned me and scarred my soul. It was worth it for having been allowed to walk where I've walked, which was to hell on earth, heaven on earth, back again, into, under, far in between, though it, in it and above..."

-GIA

"The opportunity to go on the road trip of a lifetime with Sean, which I'm so grateful to have the opportunity to work with him… He made everything so authentic and so real. We shot in all the real locations, went to all these different places. Saw these beautiful slices of America and these wonderful portraits of nature burned into my memory, thankfully. Days where we were camped out on the Grand Canyon on the Colorado River. We shot there for about a week or two. Just looking at the side of these cliffs and it's like, ‘That rock there is three billion years old. Wow.’ It's really an incredible, a very humbling experience.”"

-Emile Hirsch on Into The Wild

Do you hear me,
I'm talking to you
Across the water across the deep blue ocean
Under the open sky, oh my, baby I'm trying
Boy I hear you in my dreams
I feel your whisper across the sea
I keep you with me in my heart
You make it easier when life gets hard

so I'm sailing through the sea
To an island where we'll meet
You'll hear the music fill the air
I'll put a flower in your hair
Though the breezes through trees
Move so pretty you're all I see
As the world keeps spinning round
You hold me right here right now

Sleeping Bear Dunes, MI
The Most Beautiful Place in America

"I pray to be like the ocean, with soft currents, maybe waves at times. More and more, I want the consistency rather than the highs and the lows."

I THINK I'VE FINALLY FOUND MY VOICE AGAIN...BEEN THINKING A LOT LATELY ABOUT LIFE, AS I OFTEN DO. PASSED MY SIX MONTH MARK OF MAKING IT IN MY LOVELY NYC...THE LONGEST RELATIONSHIP I HAVE EVER HAD. I REALLY THINK, AS I THINK MORE ABOUT IT, THAT THE CELEBRATION ISN'T SIMPLY SURVIVING THE TRIALS OF THE BIG CITY BUT I HAVE BEEN REALIZING A LOT HOW ALONE I AM. TRULY ALONE...IN THE SENSE THAT I MOVED TO A FOREIGN PLACE AND THE CLOSEST I WAS TO ANYONE I KNEW WAS AT MINIMUM A PLANE RIDE OR 8 HOUR DRIVE AWAY. THAT'S INTENSE. WHAT WAS I THINKING....NOT REALLY. IT WAS GOOD ON SO MANY LEVELS. 


THE INSPIRATION FOR THE GREAT "JOURNEY" WAS CHRISTOPHER McCANDLESS...MORE SPECIFICALLY THE MOVIE INTO THE WILD AND THEN THE BOOK...WHICH IF YOU CANNOT TELL BY NOW I'M A LITTLE OBSESSED. BUT IT WAS HIM TO PUT INTO MY HEAD FIRST THE IDEA OF FINDING ULTIMATE FREEDOM IN EXPLORATION. AND I , AFTER THIS EXHAUSTING AND SELF-REFLECTIVE EXPERIENCE OF BEING ALONE FOR SIX MONTHS, I FEEL LIKE I UNDERSTAND HIM BETTER THEN I EVER HAVE BEFORE. I THINK HAD HE NOT PASSED AWAY...HAD HE RETURNED FROM HIS EXPERIENCES AND REPORTED ON HIS FINDINGS...HE WOULD HAVE SAID THAT IT WAS ALL WORTH IT. HE FOUND HIS TRUTH AND FREEDOM IN THE BEAUTY OF NATURE AND SURVIVING...LIVING OFF THE LAND. THE JOURNEY OF SELF-DISCOVERY CAN ONLY REALLY BE COMPLETE IF ONE THROWS OF THE DISTRACTIONS OF LIFE...MONEY, POLITICS, RELATIONSHIPS AND SPENDS TIME IN THE WILD. HE WOULD HAVE PREACHED ABOUT THE NECESSITY OF APPRECIATING THE BASICS OF SURVIVING AND A SIMPLICITY OF LIFE. BUT I ALSO THINK HE WOULD HAVE TALKED ABOUT HOW LONELY HE WAS...HOW WHILE RELATIONSHIPS AND DYSFUNCTION ARE A DISTRACTION AND A BURDEN....SOME TYPE OF INTERACTION IS NECESSARY AND ESSENTIAL BECAUSE YOU NEED LOVE. LOVE IS THE CORE OF EVERYTHING...TRUTH, BEAUTY, FREEDOM...THOSE ARE THINGS YOU CANNOT TRULY KNOW WITHOUT KNOWING LOVE.

THIS IS WHAT I THINK...YOU CANNOT POSSESS AN ULTIMATE FREEDOM WITHOUT HAVING THE OBLIGATION OF SOCIAL INTERACTION. ULTIMATE FREEDOM IS WHEN YOU HAVE NO ONE AND NOTHING TELLING YOU WHAT TO DO AND WHEN TO DO IT, YOU THROW OFF THE CONSTRAINTS OF SOCIETY AND WHAT SOCIETY WANTS YOU TO BE AND YOU JUST ARE. YOU GO BACK TO THE BASICS. YOU SPEND LONG LONELY MEANINGFUL TIME WITH YOURSELF. HE FOUND ULTIMATE FREEDOM...HE TRAVELED INTO THE WILD AND HE LIVED OFF THE LAND AND ACHIEVED HIS GOAL...BUT I THINK ABOUT IT...IF HE WOULD HAVE MADE IT BACK OUT...MAYBE HE WOULD SAY IT WASN'T WORTH IT...WHAT HE REALLY WANTED TO KNOW WAS A PURITY OF LOVE AND A RENEWAL OF HOPE IN PEOPLE AND SOCIETY. BECAUSE I THINK IN THE END...MAYBE HE REALLY DIDN'T WANT TO DIE.

“Sometimes, if you stand on the bottom rail of a bridge and lean over to watch the river slipping slowly away beneath you, you will suddenly know everything there is to be known.”

Woke up in London yesterday 
Found myself in the city near Piccadilly 
Don't really know how I got here 
I got some pictures on my phone

New names and numbers that I don't know 

Address to places like Abbey Road

Day turns to night, night turns to whatever we want

We're young enough to say

Oh this has gotta be the good life 
This has gotta be the good life 
This could really be a good life

Say oh, got this feeling that you can't fight 
Like this city is on fire tonight 
This could really be a good life 
A good, good life

To my friends in New York, I say hello

My friends in L.A. they don't know

Where I've been for the past few years or so

Paris to China to Col-or-ado

Sometimes there's airplanes I can' t jump out

Sometimes there's bullshit that don't work now

We are god of stories but please tell me

What there is to complain about

When you're happy like a fool
Let it take you over
When everything is out
You gotta take it in

Hopelessly I feel like there might be something that I'll miss 

Hopelessly I feel like the window closes oh so quick

Hopelessly I'm taking a mental picture of you now

Cuz hopelessly the hope is we have so much to feel good about

-Good Life ONE REPUBLIC

Manhattan Bridge, NY NY
JOURNEY

Brooklyn Bridge, NY NY
PROMISE

London Bridge, London England
EXPLORATION

Golden Gate Bridge, San Francisco, CA
DISCOVERY

Mackinac Bridge, Mackinac City, MI
GROWTH

I've been a lot of place and I've seen a  lot of things.

I've come to realize that everyplace you go teaches you something.

All these bridges are reminders to me of different times in my life I've crossed into new revelations.

I will cherish  each  new experience .

Every great bridge shares in common the epic architecture as well as symbolic nature.

Great achievements.

I'm living the good life.

 Many more bridges ahead I look forward to crossing.

“Never let go of hope. One day you will see that it all has finally come together. What you have always wished for has finally come to be. You will look back and laugh at what has passed and you will ask yourself... 'How did I get through all of that?”

"Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets. So love the people who treat you right, forget about the ones who don't and believe that everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance, take it. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said that it'd be easy, they just promised it would be worth it."

It wont be like this for long.

But right in this moment.

Everything has fallen into place.

It all makes sense.

I mourn the loss of what was,

and the celebrate the moments of 

what is to come.

Don't forget to look back,

sometimes it looks better from a distance.

"We laugh and laugh, and nothing can ever be sad, no one can be lost, or dead, or far away: right now we are here, and nothing can mar our perfection, or steal the joy of this perfect moment." 

Now that I understand it.

I feel nostalgic for the times when nothing made sense...

Two kids playing in a climbing tree on Porter Ave,

dancing on the stairs,

long young summer nights around a table with friends,

dance parties at Asgard,

lazy afternoons on the porch of 1626,

2 lovable labs,

the smell of fall,

laughter in the hallways,

road trips,

the California Beach at sunset

"I don't know how it gets better than this!!! You take my hand and drag me headfirst...Fearless! And I don't know why, but with you I dance-in a storm in my best dress-Fearless."

Sometimes...you didn't know you could win the battle until you look behind you and realize you have an army at your back...

Men are haunted by the vastness of eternity. And so we ask ourselves: will our actions echo across the centuries? Will strangers hear our names long after we are gone, and wonder who we were, how bravely we fought, how fiercely we loved? 

"In the sky, there is no distinction of east and west; people create distinctions out of their own minds and then believe them to be true."

Lost your balance on a tightrope
Lost your mind tryin' to get it back

Wasn't it easier in your lunchbox days?
Always a bigger bed to crawl into
Wasn't it beautiful when you believed in everything
And everybody believed in you?

"'Before the end my heart was broken down.
I slumped on the trampled sand and cried aloud,
caring no more for life or the light of day,
and rolled there weeping, till my tears were spent.'"

"If we are always arriving and departing, it is also
true that we are eternally anchored. One's destination
is never a place but rather a new way of looking at things."

So thankful...for tiny blessings, for gigantic blessings.

For surviving and enduring and evolving.

Desiring to become a better person is easy.

Transforming into one is hard.

Feeling despair can be devastating. 

Being given the gift of a renewed hope is invaluable.

Perspective and hope are  vital and irreplaceable. 

For once.

This moment.

Peace.

Human beings are creatures that are very similar to each other, made from the personal nature of human experience. Each one of us is fully engaged in playing the game of life: fighting the challenges and reaping the rewards. Few things are ever certain, even fewer things come easy. (***notice there are no quotations in this entry because it is entirely original)

Fear. I wish everyone could see it the way I do. Fear is a mask we wear, a blanket we cover ourselves with, and a weapon we guard.

It’s an omnipotent, undeniable, motivator that creeps its way into every facet of life. It forces intensity of feeling, it creates transformation and self-realization. Fear is not a friend, although it can be helpful and comforting. I have been afraid before. Startled, terrified, uneasy, 

panicked, experienced the pins and needles, felt the pit of my stomach dropping. I have gone to bed with fear night after night, lying next to it, holding it. I have allowed fear to become a reality. I have welcomed fear into my life.

But not tonight.

No, tonight I feel no fear.

Tonight is simply a journey of self discovery,

tonight I will feel true freedom.

 It's approximately 3:00AM. The hour between 3:00-4:00AM is both my favorite hour and my least favorite hour of all the 24 hours that cycles over and over again. It's my favorite because i'm doing one of two things: either sleeping peacefully and deep in happy dreams or i'm lying awake thinking, thinking, thinking...Both are satisfactory and relaxing-self-reassuring that is. It's a time to reward myself without pressure to do anything or be anywhere. I can simply lay in a peaceful state. It's my favorite because during those times my brain drifts off and begins to dream about things that seem possible and exciting and amazing. Things that inspire, things that accomplish, things that excite...and i plan until i'm certain in my convictions and my new goals. But those thoughts drift away with the sun. But just for this one hour, i'm deleriously tired enough to think that i'm undestructable to the world, to my life. And i hold onto that as tight as i can as i drift off into sleeping bliss. I do my best thinking during this one hour where late night changes into early morning.

It's also the worst hour of the 24 cycle. It's hard to make it to 3:00am without feeling the exhaustion death begin to eat away at my soul. And sometimes it's unsettling. The majority of people are asleep. Early to bed or late to bed, early to rise, late to rise...all types of people are asleep because it's an inbetween. And that's lonely. it's the rare people, night people, who utilize the importance of this hour. They accomplish things, socially-academically-physically...because like me, they know that it's a rare time when things begin to change into a new day-both the end and the beginning.

Recently I was told that I should make myself more available to the possibility of love. Fascinating, as if my entire existence isn't already being dragged forward inch by inch into the unknown, all in the name of love. There is no greater feeling then to have love, know love, be loved, give love...Love is the building block to everything. I have both had love and lost love. I know heartbreak and heartache. I know loyalty and compromise and dedication. I know so well this driving force that possesses every individual. I breath love as air, constantly...but yet-in a way-I understood what he meant,I believed him. Love is an entirely undefinable feeling, unique to each person. It's as unpredictable as the weather, and As dependable as the stars...showing evidence of its presence long after it's gone.

Truthfully the only thing in life that I've ever wanted is the thing I've fought most to keep, and the  knowing I could never live without.

Be intense. Live honestly. Never stop dreaming.

"You have people come into your life shockingly and surprisingly. You have losses that you never thought you'd experience. You have rejection and you have learn how to deal with that and how to get up the next day and go on with it."

“And tomorrow’s just a mystery, oh, yeah, but that’s okay. I’m alone, on my own and I’m starting off. I’ll be strong, I’ll be wrong, oh, but life goes on. Oh, I’m just a girl trying to find a place in this world.”

"To me, Fearless is not the absense of fear. It's not being completely unafraid. To me, Fearless is having fears. Fearless is having doubts. Lots of them. To me, Fearless is living in spite of those things that scare you to death." 

"Real life is a funny thing you know.
In real life saying the right thing, at the right moment is beyond crucial.
So crucial in fact, that most of us start to hesitate, for fear of saying the wrong thing at the wrong time.
But lately what I’ve began to fear more than that, is letting the moment pass with saying anything.
I think you deserved to look back on your life without this chorus of resounding voices saying, I could of but it’s too late now.
So there’s a time for silent, and there a time for waiting your turn. But if you know how you feel, and you so clearly know what you need to say.
You’ll know it.
I don’t think you should wait.
I think you should speak now."

"Words can break someone into a million pieces, but they can also put them back together. I hope you use yours for good, because the only words you'll regret more than the ones left unsaid are the ones you use to intentionally hurt someone." 

"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us."

"The way to develop self-confidence is to do the thing you fear and get a record of successful experiences behind you. Destiny is not a matter of chance, it is a matter of choice; it is not a thing to be waited for, it is a thing to be achieved."

So I'll watch your life in pictures like I used to watch you sleep
And I'll feel you forget me like I use to feel you breathe
And I'll keep up with our old friends just to ask them how you are
Hope it's nice where you are

And I hope the sun shines and it's a beautiful day
And something reminds you, you wish you had stayed
We can plan for a change in weather and time
I never planned on you changing your mind

So, I'll go, sit on the floor wearing your clothes
All that I know is I don't know
How to be something you miss

-Taylor Swift

All along the eastern shore
Put your circuits in the sea
This is what the world is for
Making electricity
You can feel it in your mind
Oh you can do it all the time
Plug it in and change the world
-MGMT

As a single footstep will not make a path on the earth, so a single thought will not make a pathway in the mind. To make a deep physical path, we walk again and again. To make a deep mental path, we must think over and over the kind of thoughts we wish to dominate our lives. 

-Henry David Thoreau

"We get to think of life as an inexhaustible well. Yet everything happens only a certain number of times, and a very small number, really. How many more times will you remember a certain afternoon of your childhood, some afternoon that's so deeply a part of your being that you can't even conceive of your life without it? Perhaps four or five times more. perhaps not even that. How many more times will you watch the full moon rise? Perhaps twenty. And yet it all seems limitless"

Somewhere along the way I lost my confidence.

Forgot my self-worth.

But the great search to find it again...

this is life.

To live boldly and take chances.

Facing inevitable changes... 

understanding limits, living immortally .

Being brave.

Demanding success.

Achieving goals.

Nothing is easy, it's  always between-what could have been and what was....

But live with honesty, and sensibility .

Embrace the opportunities.

Love.

"Things change...sometimes so quickly you don't even notice them. Happiness is something you have to look after."

"Experience is, for me, the highest authority. The touchstone of validity is my own experience. No other person's ideas, and none of my own ideas, are as authoritative as my experience. It is to experience that I must return again and again, to discover a closer approximation to truth as it is in the process of becoming in me." 

 “During my life I've seen many things, good and bad, but the bad things never came out of loving acts, loving gestures or loving relationships. That’s why I’m here tonight; to celebrate you and your families. And to tell you to hang in there and to say, once and for all of us, long live love.”

 "It should not be denied... that being footloose has always exhilarated us. It is associated in our minds with escape from history and oppression and law and irksome obligations, with absolute freedom, and the road has always led West."

I'm sailing away
Set an open course for the Virgin Sea
'Cause I've got to be free
Free to face the life that's ahead of me

"To truly love something, you must first give it a chance to fail. If it survives, it is going to be stronger than ever. Distance is pure proof of this, and forever we will love if we survive."

Thank goodness.

Life is finally starting to make sense.

New York is my home.

I LIVE HERE.

I love my city and I will miss spending time here while I am gone.

Love will always win.

Preserve happiness.

Embrace love. 

Once you find it...and you know what I'm talking about....hang on tight, never let it go.  

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it. . . . It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more.

Sometimes you just get that feeling...

that everything is just PERFECT...

the right mood,

the right smell in the air,

the right song...

 everything is exactly as it's meant to be...

but then i realize. it's all false, because you aren't there.

love. there's no other way to live.

"So, I guess we are who we are for alot of reasons. And maybe we'll never know most of them. But even if we don't have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there. We can still do things. And we can try to feel okay about them."

Title QUOTE: Re-used because it's necessary to reiterate this...

"Always remember where we come from, how we got here, and Who led us into the warmth of the sunshine." 

"Each of us is carving a stone, erecting a column, or cutting a piece of stained glass in the construction of something much bigger than ourselves."

"Develop an attitude of gratitude, and give thanks for everything that happens to you, knowing that every step forward is a step toward achieving something bigger and better than your current situation."

 There are two ways through life: the way of nature, and the way of Grace. You have to choose which one you'll follow. 

Nature only wants to please itself. Get others to please it too. Likes to lord it over them. To have its own way. It finds reasons to be unhappy when all the world is shining around it. And love is smiling through all things. 

-Tree of Life

Today I missed...

my friends.

college.

family.

my doggies.

good sleep.

lazy days.

the asgard porch.

laughter.

feeling connected.

conversation.

family dinners.

smiling kids.

kitchen conversations.

after diner walks.

my brothers.

bloomington.

feeling grounded.

familiar company.

This was a really good week.

I think it spoiled me.

Good times to come...looking forward to spending it with friends and family.

hate feeling this lonely.

in general. much progress was made.