"Rage keeps the person who feels it company. It moves into the hollows left by grief and loss, and turns inside you like a dark furred animal that grows and fills you; it kills off loneliness and takes its place"

"I wanted to be more mature, more reasonable, I wanted to have a big, fat, forgiving heart that could contain all this rage and still find room for kind, beneficent love, but I didn’t have it in me. I just didn’t. "

"I've been weak and I've been strong.  I've been thru the fire and I've been thru the storm.  Try to do right and I know I do wrong.  Just be happy for me when my life is gone.  Cause with no more hurt and no more tears, there will be no more pain and no more fears.  No more people in my face that are not sincere.  So smile for me when I'm no longer here."

“Those who hate most fervently must have once loved deeply; those who want to deny the world must have once embraced what they now set on fire.”

"I hope you can't sleep and you dream about it and when you dream I hope you can't sleep and you scream about it. I hope your conscience eats at you and you can't breathe without me."

to whom it may concern.

thank you for reminding me that you are an awful person.

thank you for keeping me aware of the fact that you only think of yourself.

thank you for  helping me feel better about myself knowing i'm not you.

you're pathetic.

i  really have no sympathy for you.

fix your own mistakes. clean up your own messes.

i'm done with you.

you were never worth any of my time in the first place.

"So don't you worry your pretty little mind People throw rocks at things that shine And life makes love look hard The stakes are high, the water's rough But this love is ours" -Taylor A Swift

“It is no surprise to me that hardly anyone tells the truth about how they feel. The smart ones keep themselves to themselves for good reason. Why would you want to tell anyone anything that's dear to you? Even when you like them and want nothing more than to be closer than close to them? It's so painful to be next to someone you feel strongly about and know you can't say the things you want to.”

"People throw rocks at things that shine
And life makes love look hard."

I'm on my knees
only memories 
are left for me to hold
Dont know how 
but Ill get by 
Slowly pull myself together 
Theres no escape
So keep me safe
This feels so unreal
Nothing comes easily 
Fill this empty space 
Nothing is like it seems
Turn my grief to grace

GRACE KATE HAVNEVIK

"She fills up every corner like she's born in black and white. Makes you feel warmer when you're trying to remember what you heard. She likes to leave you hanging on her word..."

My sorrow, when she's here with me, thinks these dark days of autumn rain are beautiful as days can be; she loves the bare, the withered tree; she walks the sodden pasture lane.-Robert Frost

"We all want to fall in love. Why? Because that experience makes us feel completely alive. Where every sense is heightened, every emotion is magnified, our everyday reality is shattered and we are flying into the heavens. It may only last a moment, an hour, an afternoon. But that doesn’t diminish its value. Because we are left with memories that we treasure for the rest of our lives.

Relationships–of all kinds–are like sand held in your hand. Held loosely, with an open hand, the sand remains where it is. The minute you close your hand and squeeze tightly to hold on, the sand trickles through your fingers. You may hold onto some of it, but most will be spilled. A relationship is like that. Held loosely, with respect and freedom for the other person, it is likely to remain intact. But hold too tightly, too possessively, and the relationship slips away and is lost.

The happiest people on this planet are not those who live on their own terms but are those who change their terms for the ones whom they love."

So many things continue to surprise me.

The way I feel about situations.

The hope I have not lost.

How hard I love.

How quickly I forget.

The way it feels every time.

I wish I understood how it all worked.

Such a confusing, complex, excruciating, but rewarding process.

To the ones that make it all worth it, I wish I could explain how much it means to me.

I'm trying to understand this.

Evolve. Adapt. Experience.

Love. Beauty.

Hope.

Life.

"Everything just seems so loud. My loneliness is just so loud, and I cant stand this, I just want to come home."

"-No really, I mean it. Why is it so fucking hard to be in a relationship with me. Tell me everything I did to make you run from me. I'm beggin you, please...

-You're a control freak, you are.

-So?! that's fucking ridiculous, everyone is a control freak sometimes. that's what you have to do to get things done."

You know how the time flies

Only yesterday was the time of our lives

We were born and raised

In a summer haze

Bound by the surprise of our glory days

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited

But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.

I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded

That for me it isn't over.

-ADELE

Live each season as it passes; breathe the air, drink the drink, taste the fruit, and resign yourself to the influences of each. 

Is it the first summer storm

Is it the colors of fall

Is it having so little 

And yet having it all

Is it one in a million

Is it a chance to belong

Is it standing right here singing this song

"At the end of the day I just want to be able to fall asleep knowing that our lives are intertwined in a way only we can understand. Chances are, I'll never get a moment like this again, so here's everything I ever wanted to tell you. No one has ever gotten me like you. I've never found anyone who makes me laugh like you. You're the one person who I can honestly see myself happy with. The definition of love to me is you."

I just want to find something to  drown out the sounds.

My loneliness is so loud.

Love is louder.

At the same time, I want a profound sadness.

It seems that heartbreak is the only solution.

To truly know.

Loss and sacrifice.

I wish nothing but the best for you.

"I have died everyday waiting for you Darling don't be afraid I have loved you For a thousand years I'll love you for a thousand more And all along I believed I would find you Time has brought your heart to me I have loved you for a thousand years I'll love you for a thousand more"

"The attacks of September 11th were intended to break our spirit. Instead we have emerged stronger and more unified. We feel renewed devotion to the principles of political, economic, and religious freedom, the rule of law and respect for human life. We are more determined than ever to live our lives in freedom." -Giuliani

“Now, we have inscribed a new memory alongside those others. It’s a memory of tragedy and shock, of loss and mourning. But not only of loss and mourning. It’s also a memory of bravery and self-sacrifice, and the love that lays down its life for a friend–even a friend whose name it never knew. “ -G. Bush

Time stands still
Beauty in all she is
I will be brave
I will not let anything take away
What's standing in front of me
Every breath
Every hour has come to this
One step closer

-Christina Perri

“Early on a difficult climb, especially a solo climb, you’re hyper-aware of the abyss pulling at your back, constantly feeling its call, its immense hunger. To resist takes tremendous conscious effort, you don’t dare let your guard down for an instant. The void puts you on edge, makes your movements tentative and clumsy. But as the climb continues, you grow accustomed to the exposure, you get used to rubbing shoulders with doom, you come to believe in the reliability of your hands and feet and head. You learn to trust your self-control.” -Jon Krakauer

"Here is the deepest secret nobody knows. Here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows higher than soul can hope or mind can hide. And this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart... I carry your heart, I carry it in my heart." -E.E.Cummings

ONE STEP CLOSER...

I want to tell you, I have never loved anyone as much as I have love this city.

Its brought me to my knees, and stripped me of everything, bare essentials...

And then it rebuilt me into a better version of myself.

It's the adventure that lies in simply taking the steps to begin the journey.

FOREVER GRATEFUL.

"For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin-real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life."

***** Re-posting my favorite NYC pictures***********

"Manhattan. Sometimes from beyond the skyscrapers, across the hundreds of thousands of high walls, the cry of a tugboat finds you in your insomnia in the middle of the night, and you remember that this desert of iron and cement is an island."

Empire State Building, from Top of the Rock

Manhattan at Night, Empire State and Metlife Building

Glow of Times Square

Washington Square Park- Arch

Statue of Liberty

Times Square

"A poem compresses much in a small space and adds music, thus heightening its meaning. The city is like poetry: it compresses all life, all races and breeds into a small island and adds music and the accompaniment of internal engines. The island of Manhattan is without any doubt the greatest human concentrate on earth, the poem whose magic is comprehensible to millions of permanent residents but whose full meaning will always remain elusive."

Brooklyn Bridge

" Every day you may make progress. Every step may be fruitful. Yet there will stretch out before you an ever-lengthening, ever-ascending, ever-improving path. You know you will never get to the end of the journey. But this, so far from discouraging, only adds to the joy and glory of the climb."

Lower Manhattan from Brooklyn Bridge Park

Lower Manhattan at Night

Manhattan from the Hudson River

Coney Island 

Atlantic  Ocean

"Remember that imagination is the faculty of the soul and that when it suggests new pathways to us we are being invited to explore the territory of the soul in ways that will certainly change and re enchant us."

My Beautiful City of Manhattan

LOVE LETTER TO THE PLACE CLOSEST TO MY HEART
DEAR NEW YORK CITY,
IN THE LAST 8 MONTHS I'VE COME TO LOVE YOU FOR ALL THE WONDERFUL YOU ARE.
THE SPRAWLING CONCRETE IN ALL THE GIGANTIC MAGNIFICENCE STRUCTURES
THE MELTING POT OF UNIQUE INTERESTING PEOPLE FROM ALL PARTS OF THE WORLD.
YOUR HISTORY AND YOUR STRENGTH.
THE GRIT AND GRIM OF YOUR WELL WALKED STREETS.
YOUR BRIGHT LIGHTS THAT SHINE THROUGH THE NIGHT.
FOR WHAT YOU REPRESENT, THE TOWERS THAT ONCE STOOD TALL.
FOR LADY LIBERTY AND THE IDEALS OF FREEDOM AND OPPORTUNITY.
FOR THE MULTITUDES OF PEOPLE THAT INHABIT YOU.
FOR THE FIGHT TO SURVIVE THE DAILY GRIND.
THE FLASHING GLOW OF TIMES SQUARE AT NIGHT, THE SPRAWLING SKYLINE.
THE QUIET STREETS OF BROOKLYN TO THE CROWDED SIDEWALKS OF MANHATTAN.
I LOVE EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU.
I'VE GROWN AND BEEN CHALLENGED IN WAYS I NEVER KNEW POSSIBLE.
I'VE WALKED QUIET PATHS OF CENTRAL PARK IN SPRING AND STROLLED CROWDED BEACHES OF CONEY ISLAND IN SUMMER.
I'VE WATCHED THE SUNSET FROM THE TOP OF ROCK AND EMPIRE STATE.
I'VE CROSSED THE BROOKLYN BRIDGE IN THE POURING RAIN AT MIDNIGHT, WITH NOT A SINGLE PERSON IN SIGHT.
i'VE MARVELED THE STATUE OF LIBERTY.
I'VE DRIVEN THE STREETS OF MIDTOWN.
I'VE EXPLORED YOU ABOVE GROUND AND BELOW.
THERE IS NO PLACE I'VE EVER BEEN QUITE LIKE YOU,
AND NO PLACE I COULD EVER GO THAT WOULD COME CLOSE TO COMPARISON.
IT'S BEEN A TRUE LOVE AFFAIR,
JUST ME AND YOU.
YOU WILL BE MISSED.
BUT DON'T WORRY, I SEE THE POSSIBILITIES OF A FUTURE WITH YOU.
I'LL BE BACK SOMEDAY.
UNTIL THEN, THANKS FOR THE GREATEST ADVENTURE OF MY LIFE.
-SARAH

"I don’t know what’s wrong with me. It’s like all I can do is keep writing this gibberish to keep from breaking apart." -Perks Of Being a WALLFLOWER

On the first page of our story
the future seemed so bright
then this thing turned out so evil
I don’t know why I’m still surprised
even angels have their wicked schemes
and you take that to new extremes

but you’ll always be my hero. even though you’ve lost your mind.

Now there’s gravel in our voices
glass is shattered from the fight
in this tug of war, you’ll always win
even when I’m right ‘cause you feed me fables from your hand
with violent words and empty threats

and it’s sick that all these battles are what keeps me satisfied

So maybe I’m a masochist
I try to run but I don’t wanna ever leave
til the walls are goin’ up
in smoke with all our memories

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
but that’s all right because I like the way it hurts
just gonna stand there and hear me cry

but that’s all right because I love the way you lie.

but you’ll always be my hero. even though you’ve lost your mind.

Heartbreak, hopeless, drowning, know this.

Melodies, melancholy. endings .

Destructive destruction with no one to answer too.

Caught in the endless loop of answering to you.

Faint, exhaustion, the cycle continues.

I want to quit you.

Weakness, weary, wandering, wasted.

Endless possibility lost in helpless confusion.

Broken down and vacant.

Addicted  to this feeling.

I tried.

"but you'll always  be my hero, even though you've lost your mind."

"I'm finding every reason to be gone There's nothing here to hold on to Could i hold you? Calling out somebody save me i feel like i'm fading away Am i gone?"

"It's the loneliest feeling in the world - to find yourself standing up when everyone else is sitting down. To have everybody look at you and say "what's the matter with her?" I know what it feels like. Walking down an empty street, listening to the sound of your own footsteps. Shutters closed, blinds drawn, doors locked against you. And you aren't sure whether you're walking toward something, or if you're just walking away." -Anonymous 

"It's like I realized that way down inside, I've always been lonely for something. But I don't know what for. It's like everybody in the world wants something. Only they never really know exactly what it is - they just keep finding out what it's not. You know how, when you turn off the TV or you come out of some concert, and everything just feels empty? Like you thought that would be what you wanted, and then it wasn't?" -Anonymous

"Did it surprise you that I am not who you thought I was? Did it surprise you to find that I don't exactly stand for what you thought I stood for all along? Did it surprise you to find that I'm not exactly how I played myself out to be? That the person you thought I was is actually nothing to what I am." -Anonymous

"I believe in whatever gets you through the night. Night is the hardest time to be alive. For me, anyway. It lasts so long, and four am knows all my secrets. Four am is when my dreams die." -Anonymous

"It's not how tragically we suffer but how miraculously we live." -Anonymous

Lately, recently in my life, I have discovered a passion for photography.

I love taking pictures of beautiful things, things that just happen-like sunsets, flowers, ocean waves, clouds...

Things we see every day, just to remind myself that beauty happens all the time, and should be valued and appreciated.

I don't like to take pictures of people. The most beautiful things  about people is usually something that cannot be spotted by a camera lens. That kind  of beauty is internal.

But I love taking pictures of things...things that  just happen.

Such a perspective, a moment captured and preserved.

It reminds me of a mood, a smell, a feeling, a person, a song, a dream...

Even when everything else seems overwhelming, or hopeless, impossible, unforgiving, insensitive, desperate,

you can look and   remember-

beauty.

Things that just happen.

Even when nothing feels right.

When it feels like nothing is going to be okay again.

Beauty.

And it brings me back to what was.

And it reminds me of what may come.

Things that just happen. 

"I undress my mind and dare you to follow Paint a portrait of my mystery Only close my eyes and you are here with me A nameless face to think i see To sit and watch the waves with me 'til they're gone A heart i'd swear i'd recognize Is made out of my own devices..."

"You have to put up with the risk of being misunderstood if you are going to try to communicate. You have to put up with people projecting their own ideas, attitudes, misunderstanding you. But it's worth being a public fool if that's all you can be in order to communicate yourself."

“We are all longing to go home to some place we have never been — a place half-remembered and half-envisioned we can only catch glimpses of from time to time. Community. Somewhere, there are people to whom we can speak with passion without having the words catch in our throats. Somewhere a circle of hands will open to receive us, eyes will light up as we enter, voices will celebrate with us whenever we come into our own power. Community means strength that joins our strength to do the work that needs to be done. Arms to hold us when”

“Change is a funny thing. We never are quite sure what we are becoming or even why. Then one day we look at ourselves and wonder who we are and how we got that way. Only one thing about change remains constant...it is always painful.”

Because I have to be fought on every decision to justify my actions, I'm misunderstood.

Because you think that you know what I want, when you don't, I'm misunderstood.

Because when I don't do what you want, how you want it done, I'm misunderstood.

Because I had all the opportunities you didn't and you think it just "fell into my lap", I am misunderstood.

Because I only vocalize the thoughts and feelings I want you to know, I am misunderstood.

Because the smile never leaves my face, I'm misunderstood.

Because going about this alone has been the hardest things I've ever done, but I've done it, I'm misunderstood.

Because what you want has always come first, and what I want has always come second, I am misunderstood.

You don't know me, you know the me I want you to know. 

Try and understand.

To whom it may concern:

Thank you for making me always realize my potential. For giving me second chances. For believing in the choices I have made. For offering encouragement and enthusiasm. For taking the time and making the lists of reasons why. For helping me to remember that people are inherently good, despite bad choices. For helping me feel like my voice is heard. For reminding me of all the things I love about myself. That's you, whatever I become and wherever I go, know that you played a part in that, and are responsible for part of what got me there.

TO SECOND CHANCES AND NEW BEGINNINGS