"I've been picking up the pieces of the mess you made People like you always want back the love they pushed aside But people like me are gone forever when you say goodbye..."

I think I want you more than want. And no I need you more than need. I want to hold you more than hold. When you stood in front of me. I think you know me more than know. And you see me more than see. I could die now more than die. Every time you look at me.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieve it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night. 

"I have always known I wanted to be an actress, but my New York experience made me realize that my desire had nothing to do with becoming famous or making money, I was interested in exploring the human soul, its complexity, I wanted to work to understand something about life and myself. Being an actress means being in another person's shoes and therefore understanding what the person whose role you play feels; but also connecting with other human beings, as a mark of profound professional intimacy, that often touches the soul."

My head, my head is full of things that I should've done
My heart, my heart is heavy, and it sinks like a stone

She said, "Is this the life you've been dreaming of
Spending half the day away from the things you love?
It's not too late to do something new."

She said, "It's hard enough trying to live your life.
But not following your dreams made you dead inside.
If you don't love what you do."

“Do you ever feel that way?"
"Lonely?"
I search for the words. "Restless. As if you haven't really met yourself yet. As is you'd passed yourself once in the fog, and your heart leapt - 'Ah! There I Am! I've been missing that piece!' But it happens too fast, and then that part of you disappears into the fog again. And you spend the rest of your days looking for it."

People always try to explain and rationalize everything.

We do this in order to relate and connect with various moments in time,

but I wonder if that's us doing a disservice to ourselves.

I wonder about how life would transform if we decided to live bravely,

with an open mind and an accepting heart.

Throwing ourselves into each and ever opportunity that crosses our path.

Not worrying about tomorrow or yesterday.

But simply holding the right now.

It's hard for us to "let things go."

We are so attached to our things, possessions, control.

It becomes an issue of humility and generosity to give things up.

We congratulate ourselves for giving instead of receiving.

We want to create our own destiny and build our future.

We want to be happily surprised in arenas where we create and control an inevitable outcome.

We hope to gain experience, we make wish lists,

but then we never take action because its outside of the comfort zone.

It does feel safe,

and as much as we say we are gamblers,

we simply don't want to expose ourselves to risk.

I've found that opportunity is not something we create,

but it's a fleeting moment in time where we make a decision to journey into the unknown.

I've found bravery isn't a feeling we can master,

but rather it's a way of living we can practice.

You will never be absent from fear,

there are will always be parts of life and living that are unknown,

where things lie deep out of reach,

uncontrollable.

And what is most sensible thing to fear but the unknown.

If the unknown is  a deep dark bottomless pit,

then opportunity is the entrance.

It lies just on the surface between what we can see and control

and what we cannot predict.

Don't let it pass by quickly, recognize that fear makes bravery possible,

being brave is not the absence of fear,

but instead it's creating experiences in the midst of the things we are afraid of.

It's hard to explain to you.

But I say this in preparation for what is to come.

And I've reached the point where backwards actually feels like the past,

and every moment is a step in the future.

Transformation, change, the unknown, bravery, patience, love.

It's all happening again,

I feel like i'm standing on the surface of the known,

surrounded by opportunity,

peering down into the deep dark bottomless pit.

And I cringe to admit this,

but yes, I feel older, worn my past experiences of what was.

And although I saturate myself in reminders of my city,

it has settled as an epic moment in the history of who I am,

and it feels as comfortable as seeing an older friend.

I never thought I would be at that point,

but I'm okay with that.

I'm keeping in mind what I was told once,

That leaving my city was not the end of an adventure,

but rather the beginning of many.

And I'm on a count,

the clock ticks away and I'm savoring each moment this time.

I'm appreciating beauty and experience,

not in the quiet moments, but the loud ones.

I''m celebrating love instead of questioning it,

I'm saying two yes's for every no.

I"m being patient and strategic,

but I'm also being spontaneous.

I'm allowing my dreams to grow bigger than I can imagine,

and throwing them into the bottomless pit of the unknown.

Its okay to ask questions that don't have answers,

it's okay to let yourself live spontaneously,

it's okay to search in new places for connection.

Don't discount any moment,

don't get discourage.

This is you transforming into a better version.

Life may be short, or life may be long.

In the end it doesn't matter because we don't choose this for ourselves.

Remember how hard it is to "let things go..."

Well try,

because if you loosen the reigns of all the things you are trying to control,

then your hands will be free to explore,

experience,

and just be present.

That way you can maximize the here and now.

And you can be ready to snatch up the opportunities as they fly past.

There are things in life you don't want to be true that are,

spending your time and energy fighting to change that is useless,

Remember that being misunderstood is okay.

It does not prevent us from connectedness,

so stop trying to explain away the in explainable and just live.

And lastly a little bit about love.

At the core of human connectedness we have this thing call love.

And even though it has an endless variety,

never reappearing in the same way..

it also creates this universal connection among every person.

And it's okay to celebrate alongside others,

but don't discount the value it has for you personally.

Its the reason to experience each moment fairly,

its the reason we strive to explore and adventure,

it the reason we thirst for connections, and desire to be understood,

its the reason we appreciate beauty,

it's the greatest part of the legacy.

I've stopped trying to create happiness,

and instead have put my energy into practicing love.

This has changed my life in a profound way.

But its okay,

just do you best,

and don't forget it all matters.

"Skies grow darker, currents swept you out again And you were just gone and gone, gone and gone In silent screams, and wildest dreams I never dreamed of this This love is good This love is bad This love is a life back from the dead These hands had to let it go free And this love came back to me..."

"I think you have to know who you are and what you want in order to take on New York and all its blaring truth..."

"I hope you know that you've given me the courage to change. I hope you know that who you are is who you choose to be. And that whispers behind your back don't define you. You are the only one who gets to decide what you'll be remembered for.

From the girl who said she would never cut her hair, or move to New York, or find happiness in a world where she is not in love..."

T. Swift.

Rain came pouring down when I was drowning

That's when I could finally breathe

And that morning, gone was any trace of you, I think I am finally clean

I think I am finally clean

Said, I think I am finally clean

10 months sober, I must admit

Just because you're clean don't mean you miss it

10 months older I won't give in

Now that I'm clean I'm never gonna risk it

The drought was the very worst

When the flowers that we'd grown together died of thirst

The greatest lie we ever tell ourselves is that life will happen the way we plan it too.

Things are never that way,

no matter how hard we plan,

how perfect we set it up,

how sure we are it will end up the way we think it will.

And timing is funny,

the way it all unfolds..,

faster than we think, but slower then we hope.

Life is supposed to be a series of events that progress in the exact manner we expect,

but it continues to surprise always.

And you're never quite prepared for it all,

and all the planning and preparing in the whole world won't change that.

And just to be hilariously ironic,

when we are at our surest that it's going to happen one way,

it changes directions so quickly you are left with your feet kicked out from underneath you.

Sometimes these surprises are not good.

In fact it can be the most devastating,

like a lightening strike,

damaging, angry, painful.

But this is true life,

because even the most painful of all surprises create a transformation.

Forces an honesty,

shapes a change.

And you struggle to right yourself again,

to find your way through the hard times,

emerging a changed individual.

Don't discount those surprises, because they too are important.

And remember that everything happens for a reason.

Not everything requires an explanation.

Studying the past and living in regret will only waste the time you have for living.

I was always told to be in the moment I'm in,

too stop looking ahead.

But now that I've learned to live in the immediate,

to be present in the present,

I find it's most misunderstood.

The worrying about the future is just as productive as trying to change the past.

Not to say its not important to set goals and to provide yourself the best change possible.

Don't ever be a victim of your own life,

rather take charge of it.

Ownership and responsibility of who you are,

and the ripples you are creating in the gigantic seas of lie.

But believe me when I say we create our own destiny.

You can wall yourself up and build a fortress,

to try to protect from those bad surprises,

but this is not living.

And either way, you cannot avoid pain and heartache.

It's a part of growing.

That's the funny thing about life,

we want to grow and evolve and change,

but we forget about the pain that's involved in that process.

We forget that it's impossible without it.

But its also important to rise above it,

fuel the creativity,

renew hope,

learn bravery,

grow stronger.

Events in our past might define who inherently are,

but we are not victims of our own circumstances.

Rather we are champions in the arena of our own destiny.

And its important to remember about the good surprises too.

Just as breath taking and awestruck as anything.

Great epiphanies in the quietest moments.

The most tiny and most beautiful and most perfect instances.

Those can shape us too.

They can fuel creativity,

renew hope,

teach bravery,

and provide strength.

And I don't understand love,

and I don't think I will...

but maybe I don't have too.

Love is undefinable, immeasurable.

Its one of those good surprises and it's just like life.

It never happens the way we plan,

the way we expect,

the way we set ourselves up.

Because love is not an emotion we learn,

it's not an emotion we teach.

But rather love is it's own category.

It creeps us on us quietly,

it can shatter every perception we've ever had,

it can alter a single moment,

bookmarking it as a turning point.

It causes us to be both selfless and selfish.

It strips us down to nothing, and rebuilds everything back again.

I"d try to explain it better,

but really it's different for everyone.

You can't call on love, you can't force it,

but if you just live with an open heart and and open mind-

then it will find you.

Because it's so central to life and living.

It's the core of everything,

and it's everywhere.

I think about it a lot,

and worrying about love is just as pointless as trying to change the past,

or trying to predict the future.

Because it's on it's own clock and has its own agenda.
It cannot be controlled.

And it's scary as hell.

I don't mean just love in the classical romantic sense.

But I mean love in all meanings.

And it looks a little different each time,

in each scenario.

It's an uncontrollable passion for experience.

It's the brightly light night sky over a quiet town,

it's the way the sun sets and rises over the ocean,

its the look of a mother to a child,

its driving through the night to meet a friend and mend a broken heart.

Its the smell of a crisp winter night,

it's the sound of laughter, it's the sound of tears,

a gentle touch and a kind word.

this is love,

at least the love I can explain to you now.

And i say it's scary but let me explain...

it's scary the same way life is scary,

because it's surprising.

Along the way you have the good surprises and you have the bad ones.

You are allowing yourself to be vulnerable, exposed,

you relinquish control.

And no matter how much you think you are set up for it,

it never happens the way you think you are.

And you're never quite prepared for it all,

and all the planning and preparing in the whole world won't change that.

And just to be hilariously ironic,

just when we are at our surest that it's going to happen one way,

it changes directions so quickly you are left with your feet kicked out from underneath you.

That's the fall.

An adrenaline junkie and a gambler,

makes for the perfect candidate for surprises,
and the perfect candidate for love.

For breath taking awe struck moments,

where your feet are kicked out from underneath you.

For quick glimpses of perfect beauty in unexpected places at unexpected moments.

But also for pain, heartache, and inevitable change.

Don't be too afraid of the unknown,

don't be too focused on the past.

Live in the here and now and expect the unexpected,

and let it be okay to be misunderstood.

Open yourself to life and living,

allow yourself to fall.

Because in the end it all matters,

and things happen when you least expect,

and the beauty is in the fall,

and life is too damn perfect to miss out on any single moment.

"And I said, Stay, stay, stay. I've been lovin' you for quite some time, time, time..."

“There are so many ways to be brave in this world. Sometimes bravery involves laying down your life for something bigger than yourself, or for someone else. Sometimes it involves giving up everything you have ever known, or everyone you have ever loved, for the sake of something greater.

But sometimes it doesn't.

Sometimes it is nothing more than gritting your teeth through pain, and the work of every day, the slow walk toward a better life. 

That is the sort of bravery I must have now.” 

In the morning it comes, heaven sent a hurricane
Not a trace of the sun but I don't even run from rain
Beating out of my chest, my heart is holding on to you
From the moment I knew

“I fell in love with him. But I don't just stay with him by default as if there's no one else available to me. I stay with him because I choose to, every day that I wake up, every day that we fight or lie to each other or disappoint each other. I choose him over and over again, and he chooses me.” 

veronica roth.

You know what I've been wondering lately...

if you reach this point in life where you have been around and around and around,

in the same sort of ways as before,

and you begin to grow emotional calluses.

Where there was once an uncomfortable ache and pain,

layers grown on layers,

and it stops being painful.

Is this strength?

Is it better to be numb or is it better to feel?

Do we even have a choice in the matter?

Part of living with no regrets is learning how to look forward instead of in the past.

Its taking the experiences from before and using them to shape the future.

But never wishing it was any different than the way it is.

I hope this isn't masked by the disguise of self-transformation.

I hope this isn't giving up, or giving in, or settling.

I hope at some point those feelings return.

I believe you owe it yourself to be allowed to feel.

We want to choose in life,

to be happy but not sad,

to be brave but not to fear,

to be hopeful but to ignore discouragement,

to love without hurt,

to gain without sacrifice.

But it doesn't work that way,

at least I've never seen it look like this.

We have these opposing emotions that force us into wanted feelings,

but never regard the painful parts.

We grow impatient and frustrated during the hard parts,

and begin to feel entitled to the rewards and the joy.

But it's always work.

Nothing just happens,

it's always the action/reaction...choices that have consequences.

I've been wondering lately when it became like this.

Why everything is bland and tasteless,

where to go to summon joy,

where to go to find the darkness before the light.

It's better to feel than to be void of feelings.

To be so good at building protective walls,

that you're sacrificing the hard parts of life,

in order to avoid inevitable pain,

and then losing the joy and the happiness.

Emotions are the symptoms of life,

it's how you know you're alive and living and experiencing and growing and changing.

Numbness is the absence of living.

The absence of change and self-transformation.

Recently I had a conversation with an old friend,

about I explained that I have no interest in ordinary.

That i choose to see the past as a beginning and not as an end.

This was not an isolated event,

but rather the trial run for what lies ahead.

Before I didn't do it alone,

I had the support and company of another individual.

And that provided an unimaginable strength.

But I think about it now, and I wonder if maybe I go about it in a different way.

Use my past experience to grow my future,

because you can't wait for that support.

You can't hope that someone will go about it with you,

because you have the sole responsibility for creating your own story.

And I lived it every day again and again for a year.

The places, the people, the streets, the sounds, the lights,

all of the lights.

But just like that it all feels like a different lifetime.

A fantasy world separated from  the here and now,

the inns and outs of what life has morphed into.

And i'm sure that it's my responsibility to remember the experiences,

to grow on the past into my future.

Whether you're there or I'm void of you,

whether it happens the same way or a different way.

And i know it's all okay,

because this is the journey I'm on,

and this is way I've gone about it all.

As I said before...

the loneliest feeling is manifested from knowing you're misunderstood.

But you can spend your whole life trying to present a self that's understood.

You can spend your whole life conforming to connect,'

craving a sameness.

This may not be a good use of time and energy.

This may not further the cause,

this may not create a newness,

and this may suffocate your individualism.

Eventually leading to the emotional callus,

protection from the familiar wave of feelings,

crashing down and smoothing out the roughness,

rounding out the edges,

and making it easier to ignore what cannot be ignored.

You cannot possibly imagine what you are capable of,

because it's all circumstantial.

If I knew what I know now,

then I never would have survived any of it.

We are constantly growing and stretching and reaching into the farthest parts,

in order to adapt.

It's a beautiful thing, simply surviving the trials of life.

It's created everything I know to be true,

its created every essence of who I am,

its allowed a journey of expression where I'm free to celebrate individualism.

Sometimes you have things that you deal with,

and you work on it,

piecing it together, trying to make some sense of it.

And you work as hard as you can,

but then it becomes overwhelming-

so you put it back on the shelf to return to later.

It's okay that you don't have all the answers,

i don't expect you too.

Its okay that things don't happen in an instant.

The parts that you want to rush always take forever,

the the things that happen in an instant are always unexpected.

Its okay to have your own timeline,

create your own expectations.

It's okay to be misunderstood.

I said this is okay,

I did not say this was easy.

Remember there is not joy without sadness.

There is not bravery without overcoming fear.

There is not hopefulness without learning disappointment.

There is not love without pain,

there is not growth without sacrifice.

Don't be greedy about the good parts,

give attention to the hard parts too.

Because at the end of the day, you owe it yourself to let you feel.

To grow through the hard times,

to make the good times that much sweeter.

It's part of being, living, feeling alive.

Its actively participating in the here and now,

it's living without regrets.

Be honest with yourself when you make decisions,

do not do something because its easy,

do not do something because it's hard,

just realize that the actions you take reflect the integrity of the self as an individual.

And those choices are honest.

And it all matters.

Don't forget it that everything happens so quickly,

so don't rush it too much,

but don't be complacent.

Allow those moments you want to hurry to pass as they are supposed to.

Don't be too caught off guard by the moments that happen in an instant.

Practice love,

because even if you don't understand it,

it's still important.