OCTOBER 25TH, 2007
"...I believe that things happen for a reason. I've always said it's not about what situations you get in that define who you are as a person, rather it's how you come out of those situations...how you handle them and what lessons you learn from them. I'm in the learning process. I know that I need to learn...it's time to handle situations and not avoid them. Because I know in each and everything that I go through i'll find a lesson that progresses me as a person and teaches me something new about life or people or functionality in the moment."
JANUARY 28TH, 2008
"...I can't seem to get the idea of the "internal struggle" out of my head. That is, the eternal struggle to be honest with yourself...And I wonder, is it even really possible to be honest with yourself? As in-completely 100% honest with yourself? I don't think it is. I think we lie to ourselves as protection from the things we are afraid of or the things we can't handle. Seriously, if we allowed ourselves to be completely free and fearless we would all be different people..."
JANUARY 30TH, 2008
"...But I wonder if you know what I'm talking about when I say that you can be happy and sad at the same time. Not just "sad" but sad to the core ...to the soul...but genuinely happy at the same time. I feel like if you come to the realization that you will never be "happy" in a certain area then you will be able to brush over it...accept the sadness and pain and continue LIVING...thus you feel happy and sad. I don't know. Sometimes i think i don't make any sense..not even to myself...
MARCH 24TH, 2008
"...WHAT AM I GOING TO DO WITH MY LIFE & WHAT HAVE I DONE WITH MY LIFE... so those are pretty major thoughts...but recently I've just been so confused. For some wild reason...(I've never had this thought before) I've been thinking about quitting school. I don't really want to finish. I'm sure this is a phase...but I want to get out of this house and move across country and start working. Somewhere far away...not because I want to be far away but i want to make myself independent of other people. Right now when I'm alone I feel so lost and desperate...but I want to get to the point where I can just enjoy being alone..."
IT SHOCKS ME TO AN EXTENT HOW SIMILAR I AM TO MYSELF, AND CONSISTENTLY THINKING ABOUT THE SAME THINGS AS I WAS OVER TWO YEARS AGO. I CHOOSE TO BELIEVE THAT HOW I FEEL ABOUT MY LIFE NOW, ALTHOUGH SIMILAR, HAS SLIGHTLY LESS DEPRESSING UNDERTONES TO IT THEN IT DID BEFORE. WHEN I REFLECT ON MY OWN PAST REFLECTIONS I REALIZE THAT I HAVE GROWN IN A LOT OF WAYS PERSONALLY, THROUGH VARIOUS ACHIEVEMENTS AND EXPERIENCES, BUT IT ALSO MAKES ME REALIZE THAT I'M STILL ON A JOURNEY OF SELF-DISCOVERY. MAYBE IT'S PART OF GROWING UP, THE DISSOLVING OF WISHFUL THINKING, THE PART OF LIFE THAT REQUIRES MORE ACTION AND LESS REFLECTION.
IN A WAY THE SIMILARITIES BETWEEN THEN AND NOW ARE VERY COMFORTING TO ME. PERHAPS THIS IS A STRANGE SORT OF NARCISSISM, OR MAYBE IT'S JUST THE REALIZATION THAT I DO KNOW MYSELF BETTER THEN I THINK I DO. MAINLY IT MAKES ME REALIZE THAT, IN A BEAUTIFUL WAY, LIFE CYCLES YOU THROUGH THE SAME THINGS. IT'S A REACHING OF CROSSROADS WHERE YOU ARE FACED WITH MAKING A DECISION ONE WAY OR THE OTHER ON TAKING ACTION OR SITTING IN THE SIDELINES. I USED TO THINK OF LIFE AS A PATH LEADING FROM POINT A TO POINT B. BUT I NOW THINK THAT MY LIFE'S PATH MAY BE MORE CIRCULAR. SINCE IT'S CLEAR THAT LIFE IS A CONSTANT LEARNING PROCESS I SEE MYSELF CIRCLING IN THIS ENDLESS LOOP WHERE I AM CONSTANTLY WALKING TOWARDS A DESTINATION BUT AT THE SAME TIME I AM ENDING UP RIGHT BACK AT THE BEGINNING OF WHEREVER I STARTED FROM. IT'S A STRANGE IRONY WHERE I'M CONSTANTLY BEING GIVEN ADDITIONAL CHANCES TO GO BACK AGAIN AND DO IT BETTER THEN THE FIRST TIME. A BLESSING AND A CURSE.
DIVING INTO ALL THE ISSUES OF LIFE RIGHT NOW WOULD BE A WASTE OF TIME. THERE ARE SO MANY THINGS I HAVE BEEN THINKING ABOUT, BUT I'LL SKIP OVER MOST OF THE ABSTRACT CLIQUES I USUALLY LEAN ON AND WILL ATTEMPT TO TACKLE A SINGLE TOPIC FOR NOW. INTEGRITY. DEFINED AS : 1. ADHERENCE TO MORAL AND ETHICAL PRINCIPLES; SOUNDNESS OF MORAL CHARACTER; HONESTY 2. THE STATE OF BEING WHOLE, ENTIRE, OR UNDIMINISHED 3. A SOUND, UNIMPAIRED, OR PERFECT CONDITION.
I'M GOING TO ALLOW MYSELF TO TAKE ON A NEW PERSPECTIVE AND SAY THAT STRIVING FOR PERSONAL INTEGRITY BECOMES AN ANSWER TO ALL OF LIFE'S GREAT QUESTIONS: PURPOSE, HAPPINESS, MEANING, DISCOVERY, LOVE, ETC..."THE SOUNDNESS OF MORAL CHARACTER" IMPLIES SECURITY, CONTENTMENT, AND HAPPINESS. WHICH MAKES ME QUESTION IF ANY OF THOSE THINGS ARE POSSIBLE TO ACHIEVE WITHOUT INTEGRITY. THIS IS MEANT AS AN ABSTRACT MEANING OF INTEGRITY THAT GOES FAR BEYOND JUST TELLING THE TRUTH. BUT INSTEAD RELATES TO A LIFESTYLE CHOICE TO LIVE AND MAKE DECISIONS THAT REFLECTS HONESTLY THE PERSON WHO YOU ARE AND WHO YOU WANT TO BECOME. A CHALLENGE? YES, DEFINITELY. BUT SOMETHING WORTHY OF ATTEMPTING...COMPLETELY. "THE STATE OF BEING WHOLE" IS AN IDEA I BELIEVE ANYONE WOULD BE CRAZY TO REJECT. WHO DOESN'T WANT TO FEEL LIKE THEY ARE COMPLETE? AND THEN THIS GOES BACK TO EXACTLY MY POINT THAT LIVING WITH INTEGRITY ALLOWS ONE TO ACHIEVE HAPPINESS AND PURPOSE. ANY OTHER TYPE OF HAPPINESS THAT COMES FROM DENYING THE INEVITABLE OR QUIETLY LYING TO YOURSELF IS TEMPORARY AND FLEETING. THIS IS MY TASK AT HAND, TO LEARN WHAT IT MEANS FOR ME TO TRULY LIVE WITH INTEGRITY. I THINK THAT I ONCE I CAN ACHIEVE THIS THEN I WILL BE ABLE TO FIND HAPPINESS, MEANING, PURPOSE, AND CONTENTMENT. THUS ADDRESSING THE DEFINITION OF "SOUND, UNIMPAIRED, PERFECT CONDITION." I FEEL AS THOUGH THIS MAY BECOME MY GREATEST CHALLENGE AND MY GREATEST ACCOMPLISHMENT, DEDICATING MYSELF TO KEEPING AN HONESTY PERSPECTIVE ON MY THOUGHTS, DECISIONS, ACTIONS, AND RELATIONSHIPS.
HOW MUCH IS IT EASIER TO HID BEHIND THE SAFETY AND SECURITY OF THE WALLS WE BUILD TO PROTECT OURSELVES? UNFORTUNATELY IT'S THOSE WALLS THAT STUNT PERSONAL GROWTH AND KEEPS US FROM LIVING LIVES OF TRUE INTEGRITY. IT'S ONLY BEYOND THOSE WALLS THAT TRUE HAPPINESS CAN BE FOUND.