"It started out as a feeling, Which then grew into a hope - Which then turned into a quiet thought- Which then turned into a quiet word- And then that word grew louder and louder... 'Til it was a battle cry. I'll come back when you call me, No need to say goodbye..."

“I was surprised, as always, be how easy the act of leaving was, and how good it felt. The world was suddenly rich with possibility.” 

― Jack Kerouac, On the Road

“It made me think that everything was about to arrive - the moment when you know all and everything is decided forever.” 

― Jack Kerouac, On the Road

The most important thing in my life, and the thing I try to focus on, is to try not to live a life of cruelty. That means trying to make sure I look people in the eye when I meet them. Sometimes you jump in a taxi, or maybe you only have two minutes with someone, and you never see them again. I try to always look them in the eye and have a real experience of what it is to communicate with someone...I guess it's about trying to live a life where I'm not contributing to the cruelty in the world....While I am on this planet, I want everyone I meet to know that I am grateful they are here.

Jessica. Chastain.

Now we're back to the beginning
It's just a feeling and no one knows yet
But just because they can't feel it too
Doesn't mean that you have to forget
Let your memories grow stronger and stronger
'Til they're before your eyes
You'll come back when they call you
No need to say goodbye

Regina Spektor

We wear our scarves just like a noose
But not 'cause we want eternal sleep
And though our parts are slightly used
New ones are slave labor you can keep

We're living in a den of thieves
Rummaging for answers in the pages
We're living in a den of thieves
And it's contagious

Regina Spektor

There is a gentle peacefulness in getting to where you hoped to be.

To have things fall into place the exact way you wanted them to fall together,

and to be in an easy satisfaction,
the type that is embedded deeply in the inner parts of your soul.

Its interesting,

to put so much energy and thought and hopefulness into a goal,

and then to actually cross the finish line.

Now I'm looking back on it all,

grateful to have reached this point.

And there is a certain emptiness in what remains.

But not a desperate emptiness,

a void of despair..

but rather a pool of calm.

Self-actualized platform,

standing on the peak of the metaphorical mountain,

sailing out to sea into the sunset,

coming home after a long holiday...

It makes me ponder what is next.

Not as urgent to fill-in-the-blanks,

but not forgetting to savor any of the moments of the present.

Who knows...

I never expected the ending of something to really turn out to be the beginning of something else.

A long road traveled,

many miles in the rear-view mirror,

so much leaving,

all in the name of heading West.

In a way its every bit as magical and satisfactory as I hoped it to be.
Washing over me, waves of soothing peacefulness.

Different then the East.

The concrete jungle was so easily accepting of who I was in the moment,

and so accommodating of the person I was struggling to be.

The East allowed me to fall into the steady discomfort of figuring out who I was...
and it protected me as I fought the daily grind.
And revealed the things I needed to know at the pace I needed to discover them.

I am endlessly grateful for that experience.
Because it has brought me to this place.

The West has proven to show me a different type of satisfaction.

In a way,
being here has been validating of the person I have become.

It's allowed me to create my world instead of participate in it.
Freedom and liberation from a lost self,

and I ca move about it in the purest fashion.

No longer the threat of looming transition,

but a quiet whisper of,

"stay for a while, this is where you're supposed to be."

I now find myself waiting on the future,

instead of forcing myself to conjure it.
"It won't be like this for long" mentality has gone away.
Because I know I have finally arrived.

And it's causing time to flow as organically as I have ever experienced it.

Days filled with sunshine and ocean,

and city lights...

the most therapeutic landscapes for a wandering gypsy like myself.

I can't help but think about a future nowadays,

which I have never allowed myself to dream of before.

Permanence and contentment are foreign travelers in my new world.

I welcome these visitors but stand awkwardly watching them from a distance,

the act as strangers I hope to gain trust from.

For someone who has naturally lived in a past,

it's flipping my world upside down to be coaxed into a future.

But as days pass,

and months pass,

years will also begin to slip away.

And whatever was once, has already become tiny specks of my history.

The strange feeling that nothing has ever existed before,

except for this.

I hope its the same for you,

when you get where you going.

You remember everything that brought you to where you are.

And every moment that seems stretched out and pointless,

has a clear meaning and purpose to your current existence.

And at some point you reach the understanding that it always had to be this way.

And the choices you made along the way were signs pointing you down this path.

And you remain brave as you navigate the unknown landscapes that decorate your world.

Remember that bravery is not the absence of fear,

but the creating of opportunity and experience amidst the things you are afraid of.

Don't worry,

loneliness is an expected side affect of transition.

Use it to examine yourself and work on creating a better version of self.

Be nicer to yourself too,

because you'll find that you're the only one truly in your corner,

and you're stuck with yourself,

so be your own best friend,

and resist the urge to be your worst enemy.

Do you know what I mean?

Life is this unbelievable opportunity,

and while it is not always easy,

it's a gift to be cherished.

I am unspeakably grateful to have been in the places I have been,

and seen the things I have seen,

and experienced the people I have met along the way.

For me,

it has been,

and will always be,
 this constant evolution of self.

Trying to live as the best version as possible at the point I'm at...

Patience will always be something I struggle with,

and I'm constantly needing to remind myself to slow down a little bit,

and also observe the natural beauty of my surroundings.

But I will never run in the opposite direction when faced with newness,
and I will continue to seize the day.
And treat each new day that passes as a brand new start.
And I accept the fact that I will always need change to fuel and to motivate and to inspire.
Because someone people are just this way.

And love.

The great and omnipotent force.

I will never truly understand love,

but I'm okay with this,

because I know it's as necessary as oxygen to maintain living.

To really and truly be alive is to have love.

Its the essence of every single thing,

and it's undeniable.

Its everywhere all the time,

and it's so important to practice love as often as you can.

Because love creates a beautiful selflessness...

And in order to be the best version,

I know love will be a building block,
held at the very core of who I am,

and I want create a genuine integrity,

and I want to find a connections with the people and things that surround me.

And in order to do this,

I must start with love.

Just remember,

even though it might be overwhelming right now...

it all matters,

and it will all fall into place soon.

“What is that feeling when you're driving away from people and they recede on the plain till you see their specks dispersing? - it's the too-huge world vaulting us, and it's good-bye. But we lean forward to the next crazy venture beneath the skies.” ― Jack Kerouac, On the Road

Long live the pioneers

Rebels and mutineers

Go forth and have no fear

Come close the end is near

And I say hey, hey hey hey

Living like we're renegades

X Ambassadors

Oklahoma

I know that however things all fall into place,

whether predictable or surprising,

I'm at peace with the process.

Things that seem easy now,

will unravel quickly and morph into the unexpected,

but I can weather the storm.

What I've come out of has only taught me to persevere,

to never say never,

to never say always,

to give second chances,

9.23.15

Arizona

"There was madness in any direction, at any hour. You could strike sparks anywhere. There was a fantastic universal sense that whatever we were doing was right, that we were winning..."

Hunter S Thompson

New Mexico

And where I was is beautiful
Because I was free

Once upon another time
Before I knew which life was mine
Before I left the child behind me
I saw myself in summer nights
And stars lit up like candle light
I make my wish but mostly I believed...

Sara Bareilles

California

"I do know the nature of this business and I know there is ebbs and flows. And as wonderful and exciting as all this is, this is my dream come true. Some people say I'm a workaholic, and I don't think that's what it is. I think I just love it so much and, for me, it doesn't feel like work. And this has been a dream of mine for so long, and it's taken longer than I had hoped it would. That when it finally has come to me I've been so scared that it's going to go away. So there's this kinda like grasping at it and working all the time. And something really beautiful has happened in the past ten days, where I'm starting to feel like, okay I can breathe. It's okay. You've found a place. No matter what, you will always be okay." -Jessica Chastain

Endlessly Grateful for a Life Paved with Adventure.

I have absorbed a lot of change as of late,

and my world looks completely different...

Sitting here in my tower on a hill,

I can't help but absorb how much my landscape has evolved.

Such a grand adventure,

relocating across country.

Driving through mountains and deserts,

to reach the ocean,

finally.

But I've made it to where I am,

and I am indescribably happy.

Life has never felt this way before,

complete.

It's a peaceful feeling to check everything off the list.

Wondering what new adventures to obtain.

But in the here and now I am fully in the moment,

with life fully happening all around me.

What is this life?

How am I so lucky to have found my way to this place?

The sunsets are the most magnificent here,

and I have a feeling of complete belonging,

watching the sun dip into the ocean,

and stars filling the night sky.

Completely indebted to the people and circumstances that happened along the way,

each moment bringing me closer to my new reality,

each step further into this new beginning.

It's unlike it ever was before.

The streets are cleaner than the last city that stole my heart,

and I am wide-eyed and innocent.

But really,

what is there to say right now?

I have learned to share the  most necessary things,

and hold the thoughts and questions close,

waiting until it becomes clear.

No aching desire to find myself out of the middle,

but a peaceful satisfaction lies in residing here on the west coast.

I can't believe it's as real as it is,

because I am convinced I will wake up from this dream at any moment.

I miss the comfort of the relationships that I keep,

but am completely overcome with the eagerness to build new ones.

I can't help but wonder if this is the end for now,

the beginning of the second chapter,

and I'm displaced in time and geography.

A home that was waiting for me all along,

speckled with mountains and decorated with ocean waves,

this place is the most beautiful place I've ever been.

Quiet curiosity about what life will morph into,

eagerness to begin to build new consistencies.

Perhaps it was always meant to be this way,

and everything else was just a run in the grand ladder or life.

Have you ever felt that moment,

when you know that everything you wanted and worked for,

was not only within your reach,

but a complete truth?

Because I don't know how often this comes around,

and whether it will ever be this way again,

but I certainly hope that I can capture this event,

and relive it over and over again.

What will my story be?

Am I done searching?

Could this be the legacy...

Perseverance produces dividends like never expected.

Bravery and patience has paid off,

and now it's just learning to be,

and learning to stay,

and learning to continue to grow.

There's no where left to wander,

because roots have already attached themselves to this ground.

Instead adventures lie and wait,

but the hopefulness of wanting to be in this place is finally satisfied.

I never thought that events would unfold like this.

The plan was ever changing and evolving.

Each minute that passed,

each moment of discomfort,

each instance of desperation,

seems completely worth the wait,

to know that this has all fallen together like it has.

I thought maybe life would reach a plateau like this,

I hoped diligently for it.

I worked to make the right moves,

and to head in the correct direction,

but never was I certain this is what would become.

And never will I take foregranted how far I have come.

Please let this be a reminder in the future,

that big dreams can become reality,

and that figuring out your own truth,

will bring you to a place of happiness.

Nothing is ever as impossible as it seems,

but nothing is ever completely in your control.

You must do your best to travel in the direction you are meant to go.

Listen to your gut,

follow the signs and jump at every opportunity.

Each journey is important and each moment really does matter.

In the grand scheme of it all,

you're simply fitting pieces of the puzzle together until it all makes sense.

I am not foolish enough to believe it will be easy,

because life has a way of finding teachable moments.

There will be struggles ahead,

but you are well equipped to handle them.

Stay humble and modest,

help to grow yourself,

but take time to show kindness to others as well,

because after all,

they showed kindness to you.

For now though,

appreciate that you are where you are.

Keep listening to your past,

because it will revel wisdom in your future.

Enjoy the new moments.

Remind yourself that life may never be this way again.

Don't be ungrateful when the moment are dull,

don't be burdened by stress from things your can't control.

Patience,

and trust the process because it works.

I hope you know that for now I will be in this place,

finding the happiness and satisfaction that you have already obtained.

Growing through new relationships and new experiences.

Planning and plotting the next adventure.

Thank you West Coast,

you have accepted me here with open arms.

My blessing are too numerous to count.

Seek out beauty,

practice love,

and know that living is the greatest adventure of all.

“So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity, and conservatism, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more damaging to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future.”

“There are certain queer times and occasions in this strange mixed affair we call life when a man takes this whole universe for avast practical joke, though the wit thereof he but dimly discerns, and more than suspects that the joke is at nobody's expense but his own. However, nothing dispirits, and nothing seems worth while disputing. He bolts down all events, all creeds, and beliefs, and persuasions, all hard things visible and invisible, never mind how knobby; as an ostrich of potent digestion gobbles down bullets and gun flints. And as for small difficulties and worryings, prospects of sudden disaster, peril of life and limb; all these, and death itself, seem to him only sly, good-natured hits, and jolly punches in the side bestowed by the unseen and unaccountable old joker. That odd sort of wayward mood I am am speaking of, comes over a man only in some time of extreme tribulation; it comes in the very midst of his earnestness, so that what just before might have seemed to him a thing most momentous, now seems but a part of the general joke.” 

― Herman Melville, Moby Dick

But we both know how,
How we're gonna make it work when it hurts,
When you pick yourself up,
You get kicked to the dirt,

Trying to make it work but,
Man, these times are hard,

But we're gonna start by
Drinking old cheap bottles of wine

“It’s not about the things he gave us, Carine,” he said softly. “It’s about the memories. You can’t touch those with your hands. Everything you can touch with your hands is just stuff.” 
― Carine McCandless, The Wild Truth

Dear city. Thank you for the raw honesty you forced. Thank you for the strange adventures and the unfamiliar faces. Thank you for creating a quiet unbreakable strength. Thank you for the opportunity of transformation. Thank you accepting with open arms. Thank you for creating an inner fight for all to be understood.

_{“I always try to play characters who are very different from what I am. If the character was a good swimmer or a diver, I’d be interested because in my real life, I am totally scared of water. I would immediately feel compelled to do it because I’m always trying to tackle any fear I have. I don’t want my life to be controlled by fear, whether it’s the fear of being rejected, fear of being loved; I want to run my life with open arms. Also, I never want to play the same character twice. To me, that’s soul crushing.” -Jessica Chastain}

So many things running through my head lately,

and i'll do my best to connect the dots in a clear coherent fashion.

Sometimes I think I have an insatiable appetite for inspiration.

Searching for it in all the usual ways,

but appearing in the most surprising places.

I've never known everything to be exactly as it seems,

and that's okay-because it keeps you accountable to life.

But let me tell you-

with the right inspiration an unbreakable motivation is created.

And this propels us forward into change,

new horizons,

transformation.

There are things more meaningful to me then I could ever express with words.

Things that have happened along the way.

The random occurrences of inspiration on great adventures.

Its never exactly the same,

maybe it's a conversation with a stranger on an airplane,

to distract a scared beginner.

Maybe it's an bright moon on an unfamiliar city street.

Maybe it's a sunset over a great city.

Maybe it's an angel in a taxi that shows you undeserved love.

Maybe it's a note or a text,

maybe it's the smell of ocean air on a summer night.

Lately it's been all different.

But if you think about the people in the world, as I often do,

there's all kinds.

But like Jack, I'm interested in the mad ones.

Those burning bright like roman candles.

And the fascination lies with the idea of achieving the dream.

That is-those who have found their place,

where they feel like everything in their life points to this direction,

where they overcome obstacle after obstacle,

and stand triumph at the top of their class.

Those that wake up each day and love every single moment,

because they are exactly where they want to be,

doing exactly what they want to do.

And I have to believe this is not an unobtainable future.

For everyone living right now with any sorts of dissatisfaction.

Believe me when I say-

you are the master of your fate.

Take charge of life and living and open yourself up to the possibility of change.

And believe me when I say-

I understand the fear associated with change,

I understand the fear associated with newness,

and I understand the fear associated with the unknown.

Maybe this is my addiction,

but I know no other way of living.

And even the most dedicated wanderer has to land somewhere,

and find some sort of community.

Because of Alexander Supertramp...Happiness is only real when shared.

But don't be crippled by circumstance.

And don't be paralyzed by fear.

I know the easy way is not always the best way.

Grow beyond what you thought were the limits,

because all of a sudden you'll realize you have become that person.

You'll wake up every single day knowing you are exactly where you are supposed to be,

doing exactly what you are supposed to be doing.

But sometimes it takes that inspiration,

to create a motivation to make changes.

It's not easy to relinquish control about your life.

But will you look back in ten years and tell yourself,

everything is going to be okay,

everything will work itself out.

Or will you look back and tell yourself,

enjoy this moment,

because as all things are, its just temporary,

and the next great moment is just around the corner.

So search in your present for inspiration to propel you into a future,

but don't discount how it happens.

Because each moment, opportunity, experience,

is simply a piece of the puzzle.

Each one matters.

And then you can look back with a better understanding of what it's all supposed to look like.

The mad ones,

burning, burning, burning,

like roman candles in the night.

Those are my people.

They walk alongside each other in a world where they are misunderstood.

People mislabel them as the lucky ones,

but it isn't luck.

Everyone wants results without putting the work.

So others resign to their own situation,

and the mad ones press on and on and on,

and there are so many sacrifices along the way.

But they are fed by the inspiration and fueled by motivation,

and all of sudden they are surrounded by all the success that they worked so hard to obtain,

And people set them apart in another category,

and create excuses about it all,

and really they started out all the same.

They just made different choices along the way.

They never took the easy way out.

They worked hard never compromising the vision they held in their head.

And they remained brave through transformation.

And somehow,

at some point,

in the midst of the hardest living,

life gave it all back.

And all the pieces of the puzzle came together.

I've been trying to see what it all looks like lately,

but I can't make sense of any of it yet.

Parts of the puzzle are clear,

but there are open blank spaces.

And the future has not become obvious,

and the past comes back around.

So for now,

I press onward.

I'm holding onto the little pieces of inspiration,

and consuming each experiences,

moving forward to the mad ones.

I'm keeping a faith in my journey,

I"m shedding myself of the past and preparing for the future.

I'm listening to my fears,

and I'm remaining brave towards the unknown.

Knowing each opportunity matters,

and living in the moment is just as important as striving towards goals.

Although inexperienced, unfinished, naive and ignorant to the wide wide world,

I am surrounded by veterans who have paved the way,

and i following behind large footsteps.

chasing after those who have become champions in their own arena.

And I'm studying and preparing to play the part,

and I'm learning everything I know from the great ones.

The mad ones.

And i'm keeping my city tucked close,

and I'm allowing those experiences to shape me even know,

because even years later you can learn hard lessons.

Its a good reminder that it all matters.

So deep breaths,

as you let these next moments pass make sure you take the time to find that inspiration,

make sure you appreciate being in the moments,

don't let fear cripple you,

don't be impatient.

Love harder,

grow bigger,

do your research and take notes,

because soon enough it will be that time again,

and you'll be closer to the person you want to be,

and you will be closer to finding your community of mad ones,

and life will fill in the rest of the blanks.