"I've been on the brink, so Tell me what you want to hear Something that will light those ears Sick of all the insincere So I'm gonna give all my secrets away."

“In coming to Alaska, McCandless yearned to wander uncharted country, to find a blank spot on the map. In 1992, however, there were no more blank spots on the map—-not in Alaska, not anywhere. But Chris, with his idiosyncratic logic, came up with an elegant solution to this dilemma: He simply got rid of the map. In his own mind, if nowhere else, the terra would thereby remain incognita.” 

-Jon Krakauer

I'll sing it one last time for you
Then we really have to go
You've been the only thing that's right
In all I've done

And I can barely look at you
But every single time I do
I know we'll make it anywhere
Away from here

“Someone real," I hear myself saying. "Someone who never has to pretend, and who I never have to pretend around. Someone who's smart, but knows how to laugh at himself. Someone who would listen to a symphony and start to cry, because he understands music can be too big for words. Someone who knows me better than I know myself. Someone I want to talk to first thing in the morning and last thing at night. Someone I feel like I've known my whole life, even if I haven't.” 

Sing you home

Because there is nothing here that I even remotely care about. 

I've got nothing to fight for, 

and if I don't want to live here why should I have to, 

and I don't care how much better off I am than everyone else, 

that's not the point.

IMAGINARY HEROES

I wonder why, the older you get, the less invincible you feel?

Maybe you get to the point where you wear down,

and you realize the things in your youth that once seems unobtainable,

are finally within reach.

Maybe it's because you get worn out with the trials of life,

and relinquish strength in each battle.

Maybe you realize that you have traded in permanence for longevity.

Maybe it's perspective, maybe it's denial.

I guess I didn't realize when I decided to embark on a journey of life experience,

in undergoing the process,

I've lost a little bit along the way.

Living in a way that perpetuates complacency,

similarity, simplicity, solidarity...

and you  cant deny the world that's out there.

The  places you left behind that  are burned into your memory like scars.

I remember the way the park smelled when I went fishing in the spring,

the way the sunset over the Atlantic from Coney Island,

The sounds of Greenwich Village and Washington Square Park on a Friday night,

noises floating up from the streets to my tiny window.

The way the Empire State acted as the North Star, always orienting me along the way.

The smells of the open fish markets in the streets of China Town,

the Majesty of the Brooklyn and Manhattan Bridges.

The quiet corners of Central Park on a grey fall day.

When I think about those things...I feel invincible.

But I also feel really far away from that person.

And strangely...for the first time gratitude.

I'm grateful that was a beginning...

and ending to a lot of things,

but in the overall life process...

a beginning.

What a great adventure, which can only be foreshadowing for what is ahead.

And this is why I have faith about what's to come.

This is why you need to force yourself to fight against  the way of living that is conformist,

that society demands of us,

because the adventures are out there waiting.

But while you are in the inbetweens focus on fine tuning the skills needed:

patience,

integrity,

open heart-edness,

bravery.

Because they time will come again,

and while you may not feel the invincibility that comes so readily in youth,

the wandering will be just as rewarding.

Gratitude...

I cannot emphasize this enough.

For the places I've been that grown me as  a person,

for the people I've met that have grown me as a person,

for the adventures I've had that formed a better version of self.

Cause in the end,

when you really think about it...

it all matters.

You took the time to memorize me my fears my hopes and dreams I just like hanging out with you all the time All those times that you didn't leave it's been occurring to me I would like to hang out with you for my whole life

“Live in each season as it passes; breathe the air, drink 

the drink, taste the fruit, and resign yourself to the 

influence of the earth.” 

― Henry David Thoreau

“People will tell you most of the story… and I’ve learned that the part they neglect to tell you is often the most important part. People hide the truth because they’re afraid.”

Safe Haven

And for just a moment I had reached the point of ecstasy that I always wanted to reach, which was the complete step across chronological time into timeless shadows, and wonderment in the bleakness of the mortal realm, and the sensation of death kicking at my heels to move on, with a phantom dogging its own heels, and myself hurrying to a plank where all the angels dove off and flew into the holy void of uncreated emptiness, the potent and inconceivable radiancies shining in bright Mind Essence, innumerable lotus-lands falling open in the magic mothswarm of heaven. I could hear an indescribable seething roar which wasn't in my ear but everywhere and had nothing to do with sounds. I realized that I had died and been reborn numberless times but just didn't remember because the transitions from life to death and back are so ghostly easy, a magical action for naught, like falling asleep and waking up again a million times, the utter casualness and deep ignorance of it.

J. Kerouac

The rain can't hurt me now
This rain will wash away what's past
And you will keep me safe
And you will keep me close
I'll sleep in your embrace at last.

Les Mis

I promise to find joy in the adventure always,

hope in the situations of the present and

appreciation for the situations of the past.

To remain as truthful to myself while still practicing love,

even when I don't understand.

To know when to speak up and to know when to shut up.

To be brave when I feel fear,

to be humble enough to have perspective.

But mostly, the adventure, to crave it and indulge it at every opportunity

This is what I want to tell you,

that complacency is the worst enemy to meet in battle.

It's a disease that spreads into the  quietest corners and infects your entire mind.

I hate it, and even more honestly,

its terrifying to me...

to find yourself settled into the  inns and outs of everything you wanted it to be.

Not having something you desire is alarming.

To live the unconventional 

and the predictability of it all... heartbreaking.

Then you're left wondering what and why and how?

And nothing in the end matters.

But this is no way to live, because really,

it all matters.

But how do you remedy a heart that is stuck in the past,

scared to carry on into a future of complacency...

I never have understood love,

and I don't think I ever will,

but yet nonetheless I feel it as real as the sun and the air.

It's everywhere...

and don't just deny air, because we need it live.

But yet...

it may lead to the path of  simplicity, predictability, stunted growth.

Just escape into the endless journey and adventure of the mad ones.

I want to be mad and free.

What a sorrowful joy that lies in the freedom of loneliness.

If you understand what I mean then maybe you are as mad as I.

Thinking about the past and the time,

time is a  wedge that pushes a distance between what you once loved

and what you never thought you could love.

That city built me, 

to be a visitor in a foreign land,

a brand new slate,

empty and full of hopefulness.

I hope you realize that down the road,

things make sense, more then you thought they would.

And I hope you also realize that even when you felt the most lost,

you were right in the perfect spot of where you needed to be.

Because then you just become more and more grateful,

for each opportunity.

Gratitude is a necessity and should be revered as the most important.

Because then you appreciate everything,

the beauty,

the love, 

the moment, 

life.

It's such a gift, an open ended gift, a blank canvas.

What do we do with it?

How are we supposed to  make it something that worth anything?

In the end...does it even matter?

Only that you did your best, 

and you were true with yourself.

Be honest.

Please don't forget to acknowledge the things that make you an individual,

because those things are yours to own,

just like certain experiences,

that you are able to preserve your individuality,

and you continue to love yourself.

Steering clear of complacency,

remaining the mad one.

Igniting adventure,

enduring the unknown,

trusting in the natural process,

and letting love matter.

"I don't wanna be left behind, Distance was a friend of mine. Catching breath in a web of lies...I've spent most of my life-Riding waves, playing acrobat Shadowboxing the other half Learning how to react.

"I've never forgotten him. Dare I say I miss him? I do. I miss him. I still see him in my dreams. They are nightmares mostly, but nightmares tinged with love. Such is the strangeness of the human heart."

"For my part, I travel not to go anywhere, but to go. I travel for travel’s sake. The great affair is to move."

To remember the grace and power of finding beauty in an unknown, a sideways glance on a quiet side street, strolling alone. The appreciation of the moments that stood out, making the ones that didn't matter anyways. I love you I love you I love you. Please let me never forget. How did it become that the scary unknown because the security blanket I long for in its absence. Sing me to sleep, the sounds of my lost city. The adventure that found me, the way I met it head on... young, energetic, honest, and unafraid.

"Not under the layers of suppressed individualism do i find scared uncertainty, but rather a bold idealistic young spirit that knows exactly what to do. Deepest satisfaction in the survival and preservation of an essence. It's beauty in a raw form and honesty." 

3.5.11

"Happy. Just in my swim shorts, barefooted, wild-haired, in the red fire dark, singing, swigging wine, spitting, jumping, running—that's the way to live. All alone and free in the soft sands of the beach by the sigh of the sea out there, with the Ma-Wink fallopian virgin warm stars reflecting on the outer channel fluid belly waters."

Looking backwards on it,

even the moments I understood the most don't make perfect sense.

But to know the freedom of breathing in an adventure,

stimulating every sense and infiltrating every pore of my soul.

I'm not talking about the experience anymore,

that is done and over with.

I'm not talking about transformation either.

I'm talking about the instances in time.

Tiny moments that are locked into a forever and ever.

I'm talking about how it first came about,

before it grew into a congruent event in my history.

I'm talking about the  fearlessness, the bravery, the hopefulness.

What was is what was because  of ignorance and naivety,

because sometimes it's  only in pure blind faith where great things happen.

Remembering each path that was taken,

so many beginnings, so many possibilities with one simple ending.

You think that you have this great control over life,

and even when you surrender to the moment and circumstance,

you still think you have a grasp on it all.

In reality, a distant observer might notice,

and you might come to see that it was never really yours.

It is a wild un-tameable force that consumes you,

destroys you completely and rebuilds into something that you could never have guessed.

So often you think you're scheming to create this perfect ideal,

you make moves one way or another,

picking actions with predictable reactions,

but really none of that  matters.

Which...this may confuse you but understand what I mean when I say

this is why it all matters.

At least this is what I think about it.

Like Jack understood...

I want to be with the mad ones in a mad world,

burning burning burning .

Because i will never understand it any other way.

Made for a  different understanding on a different level of it all.

I'm mad, just like the rest of the mad ones,

dying to live, living to die, and trying to let it all not matter,

in a time where it all does.

But I will not forget  the instances that created the experiences.

The moments that when lined up illuminated a transformation uncontrolled,unpredictable.

But I want the honesty that its center in raw emotion.

I don't want to be swept away into the lostness of tradition society.

I'm breaking free and running away with the mad ones,

because this is the way to live.

burning. burning. burning.

And lastly, love.

I understand love like I understand the stars in the night sky.

I understand that love is like a unknown space, stretching endlessly above us.

Everyone believes in it's existence,

yet no one can fully explain it all.

Because it's boundless, stretching into an infinite unknown,

stars, planets, galaxies, the entire universe really.

Yet though I do not  fully understand it,

I never doubt that it's there at all times.

And Love.

Do not be fooled into thinking that love is a  remedy for loneliness.

Because one can certainly be lonely even within love.

And loneliness will gather in all the darkened corners...  

So first guard yourself,

you will be your own companion and therefore,

never alone.

Then love.

Because I don't understand love,

and I don't think I ever will,

but I will never doubt it's existence,

understate it's importance,

and fail to acknowledge the greatness that stretches into the infinite unknown. 

  

“I wonder if the conversations you've never had with someone count, if you've been over them a thousand times in your mind.”

"“This is just my way of pointing out that we people who leap without looking are not stupid. We know damn well we might be headed for a fall. But we also know that, sometimes, it's the only way out.”  

"The moment of impact. The moment of impact proves potential for change. Has ripples effects far beyond what we can predict. Sending some particles crashing together. Making them closer than before. While sending others spinning off into great ventures. Landing them where you've never thought you've found them. That's the thing about moments like these. You can't, no matter how hard you try, controlling how it's gonna affect you. You just gotta let the colliding part goes where they may. And wait. For the next collision."

So you were never a saint
And I’ve loved in shades of wrong
We learn to live with the pain
Mosaic broken hearts
But this love is brave and wild

This is a state of grace
This is the worthwhile fight
Love is a ruthless game
Unless you play it good and right
These are the hands of fate
You're my Achilles heel
This is the golden age of something good and right and real

"I feel a tiny pang of regret, as though I've lost a secret, and then a rush of exaltation: now everything begins..." pg. 21

Sometimes, when I really think about it,

I think you're doing it all wrong.

It comes to the point where we go through the motions,

and in the end you look back and realize it was a fairy tale 

that never really existed.

And I have to think that it becomes a thin line

between what it is,

and what you thought it was.

It's so easily fictionalized into a purposeful thing,

but it's all a myth.

And you are left hanging onto nothing.

It becomes "could have been" and "once was"

made up memories of unperformed scenes.

And then,

 when the loneliness becomes its strongest,

I long to be back in that place...

wandering the crowded streets and lonely concrete,

where nothing was ever in it's right place,

and that is how it was meant to be.

Dark and empty establishments filled with the few strangers,

looking for the place to belong in a city where no one did.

I know the truth about the unknown,

and still it's forgotten time and time again.

Growing into a large mess of memory

that is the same as before.

Exactly what was mentioned-of mythical proportions.

Left with false memories and nothingness.

Patience and openness.

Beauty and bravery.

Hopefulness and honesty.

These are the things that matter.

And love.

Love matters.

Knowing  as much as you can, for the time being

 that it is.

Understanding that some things are meant to be unknown.

And being okay with that.

It's hard to grow in environments that contain you.

But then you fill in the empty spaces,

finding comfort in the quiet unfilled corners.

You evolve that way,

sometimes it's not something so dramatic and drastic.

Rather it's this quiet thought, idea, moment of clarity,

that arrives when least expected and then never leaves.

It's the new beginnings that keep beginning,

planned or unplanned,

wanted or unwanted.

It's the way you smile at that one thing you've never appreciated before,

it's an old perspective that feels new,'

it's the way you love in a way you hadn't loved before.

Please don't be discouraged,

keep courage.

Grow quietly into the corners,

fill in every space.

It' doesn't always have to be known,

but it does matter.

Appreciate the beauty,

because a world without beauty becomes grey

and continue being brave against the loneliness.

Be patient with yourself,

let the time pass as it's meant to pass,

and don't try to make it all known.

Because the unknown will teach and transform in ways you imagined,

and in ways that surprise you.

But please also be careful with your love.

Don't let yourself  fall into the fantasy of the mythical fairytale.

If you do, you'll eventually realize that you're going  to end up with nothing.
You'll lose it all.

And always remember the place where you felt like you belonged,

in the city where no one did.

“It is not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the most intelligent that survives. It is the one that is the most adaptable to change.”

“Do you hear the people sing

Lost in the valley of the night?

It is the music of a people

Who are climbing to the light.

For the wretched of the earth

There is a flame that never dies.

Even the darkest night will end

And the sun will rise."

Les Mis

I've never understood love, 

maybe I never will but I'm going to try. Because if love produces those perfect moments in life, I want more. And be careful, because with forgiveness comes acceptance. Never settle for any less then you deserve, because that's cheating yourself of being loved the way you are supposed to be loved...

I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I'm living
So different now from what it seemed
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed.

Les Mis

“Too many times we stand aside and let the waters slip away, till what we put off till tomorrow has now become today. So don't you sit upon the shoreline and say you're satisfied. Choose to chance the rapids and dare to dance the tide.”

I don't know... 

if you know who you are...

until you lose who you are...

-ts

So many things happen so quickly,

even when it feels like time is simply crawling past.

You look back and you realized that everything is different then it was the last time.

I've spoken about this,

time...

such a surprise how it's always surprising me,

when really it's the most constant of anything and all things.

But nonetheless,

I forget that time and perspective are different.

Perspective does not change time,

but time creates perspective.

Such an endless looping of events ...

brought by time and circumstance,

faced with brand new perspective.

I think there is something beautiful about suffering,

don't misunderstand what I mean when i say this.

Suffering is the product of transformation,

transformation is the process of creation,

creation of a better version of self.

The farther from the adventure,

the deeper into the mundane,

and you almost erase   a past of adventure, and bravery, and challenge.

Don't forget what you did,

how you believed,

how you pushed harder then you ever have,

how you accomplished things you never thought.

Let that be your foreshadowing into a bright future.

Because you're a fool if you believe it comes easy.

Remember what you said?

Everything, everything, everything that is worth anything...

is a product of trials and suffering.

The ultimate character building experience.

You are supposed to maintain a patience and an optimism.

Don't let life rob you of the things that you cherish,'

the things that you earned in your travels,

the medals you wear.

Nothing can take away where I have been,

even when the memories begin to slip away, as you know they are going...

let you're character and the version of self be the illustrations of what was once.

Please don't be discouraged.

Sometimes, when it's hard to see through to the other side,

just remember how it was,

remember you create your own destiny,

you decide you're own choices,

but be hopeful.

Know that what happened once may happen again.

Appreciate perfect moments. 

Remember to live a life that makes you appreciate the beauty.

Never stop seeing the beauty...

in the sounds of the songs,

the look in his eyes,

the smell of the air,

the brilliance of nature.

Beauty is still present in despair.

And love hard.

You said you open yourself to possibilities...

I don't understand love,

but i'm trying.

You say you love me,

but I cannot understand that.

All the love in my life has been harsh and come with conditions.

So prove me wrong,

and I will show you the way I live.

The struggles of transformation

and all the endless beauty.