"When your worries, they won't let you sleep, and rob you of your days. And you've looked in all directions but you still can't find your way..."

When you just need someone to remind you that it's all gonna be ok, I will shine the light. I will shine the light.

-Shine the Light SUGARLAND

You and I walk a fragile line

I have known it all this time

But I never thought I'd live to see it break

It's getting dark

And it's all too quiet

And I can't trust anything now

And it's coming over you

Like it's all a big mistake

Oh holding my breath

Won't lose you again

Something's made your

Eyes go cold

Come on, come on

Don't leave me like this

I thought I had you figured out

Something's gone terribly wrong

You're all I wanted

Come on, come on

Don't leave me like this

I thought I had you figured out

Can't breathe whenever your gone

Can't turn back

Now I'm haunted

Stood there and watched you walk away

From everything we had

But I still mean every word I said

To you

-HAUNTED TAYLOR SWIFT (Speak Now)

I wonder how people fall in love. How they find that person they realize is the last piece to their missing puzzle...what does it take for someone to realize that every second of every day is incomplete without the sharing and partnership that soulmate-ship brings about? What does it take to lose yourself temporary as an individual to dedicate yourself to half of a whole? Why is partnership so emphasized in society...? What is it about being a solo individual that is so unappealing? Do we lack the ability to take care of ourselves enough to provide lifelong happiness for ourselves? Is it more about finding someone that makes breathing easier, laughter more frequent, and anxiety soothed? Does someone who lacks the ability to commit have a shot at making the ultimate commitment? How long does it take to fall in love...can it happen in a second? Does true love really last forever or can it die with change? Will you know this kind of endless eternal self-sacrificing love when you find it?

“The bravest are surely those who have the clearest vision of what is before them,

glory and danger alike,

and yet notwithstanding, go out to meet it.”

"Chaos is more freedom; in fact, total freedom. But no meaning. I want to be free to act, and I also want my actions to mean something" A. Niffenegger

“The self-confidence of the warrior is not the self-confidence of the average man. The average man seeks certainty in the eyes of the onlooker and calls that self-confidence. The warrior seeks impeccability in his own eyes and calls that humbleness. The average man is hooked to his fellow men, while the warrior is hooked only to infinity.”

-Carlos Castaneda

in·fi·nite

 [in-fuh-nit]

–adjective

1.

immeasurably great: an infinite capacity for forgiveness.

2.

indefinitely or exceedingly great: infinite sums of money.

3.

unlimited or unmeasurable in extent of space, duration oftime, etc.: the infinite nature of outer space.

4.

unbounded or unlimited; boundless; endless: God's infinitemercy.

"Say goodbye to my heart tonight. Here we are again-I feel the chemicals kickin' in. It's getting heavy and I wanna run and hide."

I've recently had this feeling like I am in the middle of experiencing both a beginning and an ending.

I find that in all this excitement to take forward steps,

I've looked behind me to see all the progress I made,

but I didn't look at all the things I was leaving behind.

I have been so desperate and successful at making changes quickly I realize now that I have moved closer to what is to come and farther from what was.

I no longer feel uncertain about many things I felt uncertain about before, but rather I feel extremely certain about things I couldn't even imagine before.

It's leaving me feeling like I'm floating around in an in-between space again. Not quite here fully, and not quite there fully. Not quite anywhere.

I have one foot in the past and one in the present.

I have a feeling November is about to teach me more about personal strength and dedication then anything I've learned thus far.

In love with September,

grateful for October,

anxious for November,

Excited for December.

I remember one morning getting up at dawn, there was such a sense of possibility.

You know, that feeling?

And I remember thinking to myself:

So, this is the beginning of happiness.

This is where it starts.

And of course there will always be more.

It never occurred to me it wasn't the beginning.

It was happiness.

It was the moment.

Right then.

-The Hours (2002) Meryl Streep

"To look life in the face, always, to look life in the face
and to know it for what it is.

At last to know it, to love it for what it is,

and then, to put it away."

-Virginia Woolf

I can only note that

the past is beautiful

because one never realises an emotion at the time.

It expands later,

and thus we don't have complete emotions about the present,

only about the past.

-Virginia Woolf

(Penny Travis) Is there such a thing as the human heart? (Tim Travis)Well, if you listen closely you can hear 'em breaking...

It's all right, just wait and see

Your string of lights is still bright to me

Oh, who you are is not where you've been

You're still an innocent

You're still an innocent

There's some things you can't speak of

But tonight you'll live it all again

You wouldn't be shattered on the floor now

If only you would sing what you know now then

Wasn't it easier in your firefly-catchin' days?

And everything out of reach, someone bigger brought down to you

Wasn't it beautiful runnin' wild 'til you fell asleep?

Before the monsters caught up to you?

-Taylor Swift/Speak Now/Innocent (Track 11)

"Look at the stars.

Same stars as last week.

Last year.

When we were kids.

When we weren't even born.

In a hundred years,

no one will ever know who we were...

They'll know those same stars."

-Imaginary Heroes

Because I can't even begin to think or write about what I'm really thinking about...this is a grand replacement...

Here I was again tonight forcing laughter, faking smiles

Same old tired, lonely place, Walls of insincerity

Shifiting eyes and vancancy vanished when I saw your face

All I can say is it was enchanting to meet you

Your eyes whispered "have we met?"

Across the room your silhouette starts to make it's way to me

The playful conversation starts

Counter all your quick remarks like passing notes in secrecy

And it was enchanting to meet you

All I can say is I was enchanted to meet you

This night is sparkling, don't you let it go

I'm wonderstruck, blushing all the way home

I'll spend forever wondering if you knew

I was enchanted to meet you

This is me praying that this was the very first page

Not where the story line ends

My thoughts will echo your name until I see you again

These are the words I held back as I was leaving too soon

I was enchanted to meet you

"Enchanted"-Taylor Swift

Speak Now: Track 9

"Happiness only real when shared..." (Last Journal Entry from Christopher McCandless)

I found this picture on Google, and I think it's a perfect description of how I have been feeling lately. There are so many reason I like it...because I feel like it's really representative of these feelings of anxiety I have about this "grand adventure." Which i'm sure it's completely meant to speak as loudly as it does, for all the reasons I'm going to list...(disclaimer, i hope tonights blogging doesn't end in disaster).

Firstly, I have been feeling overwhelming alone lately...just missing friends and things that are comforting to me...I have been sitting around at home a little bit too long and this tends to happen every two or three weeks unless I get out of here for a little bit...I like these gigantic stone walls because they are representative of so many obstacles that I feel have stood in my way. Plus it puts into perspective how small the individual is compared to the obstacles they must overcome.

Secondly, I like how this person is coming from empty space. It's dark and there is nothing there....I have been working on setting my gaze on the present and future and letting the past rest. This is a good reminder that even though the past is what you can see the most of, there is nothing there and it's dark and even lonelier then venturing forwards.

Thirdly, I like how, even though you can only see a small chunk of what lies ahead it's enough. That glimpse of what is "behind the wall," is enough to make you want that individual to take steps forward away from dark emptiness and into the unknown. Life is so like that sometimes, where you just get a taste for something and throw yourself headfirst into it, without knowing everything that's ahead. Those are usually the most worthwhile endeavors.It also reminds me that I don't need a whole picture to know that what lies ahead in the future is worth creeping away from the present and the known....

Here's the big summary, my only real realization today...that all this time of feeling alone and lonely and trying to figure things out and this anxiety and desperation is simply preparing me for the ultimate goal...which is trying to make it alone (for an unspecified amount of time) and it's the process of learning how to be with myself. Well this may seem obvious to everyone else, I really didn't realize this for myself until now.

I've found recently though, that often times, when you are starting out and you think it's just the beginning you look back and see that all the events leading up to it were aligned and your path was already made for you.You just have to be brave enough to step forward into the light.

“You have to accept whatever comes and the only important thing is that you meet it with courage and the best you have to give.” -- Eleanor Roosevelt

I am in misery

There ain’t no other

Who can comfort me

Why won’t you answer me’

The silence is slowly killing me

Girl you really got me bad

You really got me bad

And I’m gonna get you back

I'm Gonna get you back

You Say your faith is shaken

You may be mistaken
You keep me wide awake and
Waiting for the sun
I’m desperate and confused
So far away from you
I’m getting here
I don’t care where I have to go

-Misery Maroon 5

"Don't believe what your eyes are telling you. All they show is limitation. Look with your understanding, find out what you already know..."

We may only have tonight

But till the morning sun you're mine all mine

Play the Music low and sway to the rhythm of love

When the moon is low

We can dance in slow motion

And all your tears will subside

All your tears will dry

And long after I've gone

You'll still be humming along

And I will keep you in my mind

-Rhythm of Love, Plain White T's

"Our soulmate is someone who shares our deepest longings, our sense of direction.

When we're two balloons, and together our direction is up,

chances are we found the right person."

-Richard Bach

"Don't you think it's better to be extremely happy for a short while, even if you lose it, than to be just okay for your whole life?"

"I'm living under water. Everything seems slow and far away. I know there's a world up there, a sunlit quick world where time runs like dry sand through an hourglass, but down here, where I am, air and sound and time and feeling are thick and dense."

"Maybe I'm dreaming you. Maybe you're dreaming me; maybe we only exist in each other's dreams and every morning when we wake up we forget all about each other."

Quotes by Audrey Niffenegger and Pictures by Myself, words and images to illustrate my many feelings.

"Nothin' lasts forever if you open up your heart and let it in..... You'll find the beat again!"

So nothing profound or interesting...simply wanted to say that I have booked my NYC visit. Officially I will be spending the last 5 days of the year 2010 in this perfect city.

I simply wanted to document that this is a HUGE step in the life journey process that I have undertaken...and while I am very EXCITED for this trip opportunity I am equally nervous, as this is a SOLO adventure for me. I haven't fully processed that I have actually committed to this trip, so my reflections are minimal...this day was exhausting in the best of ways.

So I guess the next steps are too spend the next two months making sure this trip is purposeful and productive. Time to throw myself fully into planning, mapping, and virtually exploring the city so it can be well prepared for my arrival. Things I hope to gain by this...clarity, direction, and reassurance that eventually, someday down the road, NYC will be my home.

Sidenote: Little bit in love with this hotel I'm staying at...it looks mysterious.

http://www.thejanenyc.com/

"Could be the windows down on a Sunday drive, The smell of rain on a summer night, Anything that brings a little more comfort my way..."

They say...

Life is what you make it. Think outside the box. Live with an open heart and an open mind and the possibilities are endless. The choices you make determine your outcome. Opportunities are doorways for making great decisions. Live each day as if it is your last. Seize the moment...

Well I don't know how I feel about any of that... Recently I have learned to take babysteps toward mastering living one day at a time.

Why this is important? I am not exactly certain. However, I am well aware that sometimes life breaks itself down to the point where day to day living is the only option.

This is what I am certain of... Once you begin to figure out how live with a new attitude that models a head first outlook to life then great things will begin to happen.

For me, the only way this is possible is by taking great leaps of faith into the unknown.

These are the little things I have found in my days lately that makes me believe it is possible...

Songs with good lyrics, random unexplainable coincidences, a city skyline, a quiet sunset, an email, rain clouds, a conversation around the dinner table, a picture, a smile, a walk in the woods, a cold fall morning, a warm cup of coffee, laughter, one single clear thought, an organized bookshelf, a dance party, an airplane overhead, and 15,000 simple phrases.

"They say the first time won’t ever last..."

"Learn the art of patience.

Apply discipline to your thoughts when they become anxious over the outcome of a goal. Impatience breeds

anxiety,

fear,

discouragement

and

failure.

Patience creates

confidence,

decisiveness,

and a rational outlook,

which eventually leads to success."

See it coming getting better getting better now...Feel the shake shake steady of a soul to the flame

Trying to get it figured out.

A lifetime for a day would be an even trade..no price I wouldn't pay for your heart...

If words could make it real
I'd tell you how I feel
Instead I'm waiting here on my knees love
I know how it feels to breathe
With you beside me
I think about it always.....

Because none of it was ever worth the risk...Well, You, are, the only exception...

"At a point that he knew by instinct and by the shape of the buildings surrounding the park, he struck out on a steep path overgrown with trees, and climbed a short distance until he reached the clearing that led to the hill. Before him stretched upward, and above it the brilliant sky, and beyond it, cloudy, and far away he saw the skyline of New York...here arose in him an exultation and a sense of power, and he ran up the hill like an engine, or a madman, willing to throw himself headlong into the city that glowed before him..."

-James Baldwin (Go Tell It on the Mountain, 1952)