“I can sail without wind; I can row without oars. But I cannot part from my friend without tears.”

I woke dreaming we had broke
Dreaming you left me for someone new
And you cried, drying those brown eyes
Crying you're sorry - sorry won't do

But this is the way I need to wake
I wake to you
And you never left me
All that I dreamt had been untrue
Open my eyes
I see sky

Oh, oh, oh, oh, you know the way to keep me on my toes
I, I, I will be fine - just say you'll stay forever mine
'Til we fall asleep tonight

SKY: JOSHUA RADIN/INGRID MICHAELSON

A Quiet Place to Remember Lost Friends

"Nature does not play favorites and just as the earthquake struck New Zealand recently, the fires ravaged Australia two years ago, and the tsunami struck India and Thailand not so very long ago, the message is clear -- we all share the dangers of living on the water planet called earth.

In the face of such peril from the forces of nature, we are all equal.

I have heard many people say that Japan's tragedy is karma. People who say such things do not understand the concept of karma. This earthquake struck Japan purely on the basis of geography and geology."

-Quoted Paul Watson (Huffington Post) Tears for the Land of the Rising Sun

For Whom the Bell Tolls

by John Donne

No man is an island,

Entire of itself.

Each is a piece of the continent,

A part of the main.

If a clod be washed away by the sea,

Europe is the less.

As well as if a promontory were.

As well as if a manner of thine own

Or of thine friend's were.

Each man's death diminishes me,

For I am involved in mankind.

Therefore, send not to know

For whom the bell tolls,

It tolls for thee.

"Perhaps the price of comfort is that life passes more rapidly. But for anyone who has lived in uneasiness, even for a short, memorable duration, it's a trade-off that will gladly be made." (Arthur Nersesian-Author)

My sympathy and prayers and condolences

to those who lost their loved ones in the tragedy

that struck Japan

and to all the children who are left orphans,

without homes,

without family.

It truly is heartbreaking.

Those who believe this was "deserved" are ignorant and hateful.

No one deserves this.

"Turn up the lights in here baby. Extra bright, I want y'all to see this... Turn up the lights in here, baby... You know what I need, want you to see everything...want you to see all of the lights..."

"You know what? It's the ultimate betrayal. You've broken my heart."

I'm always wondering what the right thing to do is, and there is never a right answer. Often confused, over analytical, and generally lost in how I deal with it. I can only hope that any solution rears it's head as the right answer in an endless sea of possibilities, and I can move on or move forward. Because this is not working for me. Something's got to give...

...and tomorrow, I know,
Will be rainy at best.
And the forecast, I know,
Is that I'll be depressed.

But I'll wait outside
Hoping that I'll catch sight of the sun.

Because on and off,
The clouds have fought
Their control over the sky

And lately the weather
Has been so Bi-polar
And Consequently so have I.

-Relient K

"There's been something missing for me. Something that is hard to define I've been desperately just trying to create this thing and looking for it but I've been flaying and I realize now that you and I we're never going to find it..."

You may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope some day you'll join us
And the world will be one...

JOHN LENNON

I'll never be the same
If we ever meet again
Won't let you get away
If we ever meet again
This free fall, oh got me so, oh
kiss me all night,
don't ever let me go
Ill never be the same
if we ever meet again

"It's like... we were pals then... we'd do things together... we'd look at the knight armor at the Met. The scary fish at the Natural History Museum. I was always afraid of the squid and whale fighting. I can only look at it 

with my hands in front of my face."

I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
She will be loved

Tap on my window knock on my door
I want to make you feel beautiful
I know I tend to get so insecure
It doesn't matter anymore

It's not always rainbows and butterflies
It's compromise that moves us along, yeah
My heart is full and my door's always open
You can come anytime you want

MAROON 5

"I try to find something to love in everybody. Even if it's a small thing. Something about the way someone smiles. There's always something, there has to be. I try to make myself generous. I do things I don't want to do. I... I think about what not to criticize. And the strangest things come back to me..."

"I wouldn't want them to feel lonely or outcast ever in any way. And no matter where they were in the world, I'd want them to always feel incredibly confident about who they were and proud." (J. Beals)

For some reason tonight I feel compelled to actually write and blog a little bit about myself. It's been a while and I'm sure I'm way past due to post something other then a quote, picture, or song lyric...but I tend to get carried away when I do this...So we will see if this post actually gets published. Well officially (for anyone who might not already know) I made it to NYC. Officially living my dream here...flying totally solo, in a brand new place, the best city ever, and making it on my own. After a stressful 3 weeks I find myself settling in nicely to this "new life," as I will call it. What a grand adventure I am on...despite all the trials I have encountered thus far-not a single day goes by where I don't think about how incredibly grateful I am to be here and how much of a blessing it truly is. On the other hand, I can tell that I've barely begun to scratch the surface of how much this experience is going to change me. Really, I'm going to end this year as a totally different person then when I began. Perhaps this is a life turning point and inevitable...2 years out of college now-just entering the real world after living at home with my parents for an entire year...yea-maybe it's time I became my own person. I feel like this experience is my debut into the real world and I'm quite proud of the things I've learned so far and excited for the new things I will get to learn. The biggest challenge for me right now is that I can't plan, for-see, imagine, worry, idealize what life looks like anymore...everything from the job to the place to the events in my days are totally new...and therefore I'm forced into living completely in the present and in the moment of what is happening to me and around me. This is the blessing of this experience-the pure enjoyment of living. As someone who is used to having everything under control and living with much predictability its pushed me out of my comfort zone. But I can't help but enjoy it...instead of analyzing I am observing, instead of worrying I am creating. It's a marvel that everything I do in my day I'm 100% responsible for and at the end of the day I have this new satisfaction where I am just so proud of myself for making it. Now I realize this can swing in the opposite direction...I am also responsible for the mistakes, lack of productivity, bad choices, etc...but hey-everything is a learning process right now and I'm trying also to be nicer to myself. Because right now...right here...it's just me and only me. I have myself to look after and take care of and no one else to deal with. It's nice at times, lonely at others...but what a satisfying check-mark to put on my life to-do list...a few checks actually-living alone, living in NYC, exploring the East Coast. My head is reeling with plans to explore this region of my country. I've always want to see New England, DC, Boston, etc...This weekend will be my first encounter with the Hamptons (Sag Harbor) and mark the farthest East I've ever traveled in the US. Anyways, the point of it all...is that it really just feels different. I can't pinpoint what is different...but I have this weird sense of calm that I can't say I've ever experienced before. I feel like right now...this...is what I've always wanted to be doing and it's made that antsy, dissatisfied, slightly depressed, dreamer side of me disappear. I feel at ease and more importantly I feel free. It's a beautiful thing. Again, first time for everything... I just can't believe that it took 23 years to feel like this. All the hard work and enduring has paid off. The only thing I'm missing is someone to share it with, although that may ruin the magic of being independent. We will see what happens in the days to come. But for now, I'm living in the moment and happier then I've ever been before. 

Success is peace of mind which is a direct result of self-satisfaction in knowing you did your best to become the best you are capable of becoming.JOHN WOODEN

"Do I still Love you? Absolutely. There is not a doubt in my mind. Through all my mind, my ego... I was always faithful in my Love for you. That I made you doubt it, that is the great mistake of a Life full of mistakes. The truth doesn't set us free..."

“Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect. It means that you've decided to look beyond the imperfections.”

"So in the end, was it worth it? Jesus Christ. How irreparably changed my life has become. It's always the last day of summer and I've been left out in the cold with no door to get back in. I'll grant you I've had more than my share of poignant moments. Life passes most people by while they're making grand plans for it. Throughout my lifetime, I've left pieces of my heart here and there. And now, there's almost not enough to stay alive. But I force a smile, knowing 

that my ambition far exceeded my talent."

Grinning from ear to ear. I can't help it. This is perfection.

"The war tore a hole in the sky, the sun came down, burnt everything, everyone, I wandered, I didn't really know what I should do or where I was going. I was just moving from place to place,trying to stay alive.And then one day I heard this voice.I don't know how to explain it, it's like it was coming from inside me. But I could hear it clear as day. Clear as I can hear you talking to me now."

" Everything is more complicated than you think. You only see a tenth of what is true. There are a million little strings attached to every choice you make; you can destroy your life every time you choose. But maybe you won't know for twenty years. And you may never ever trace it to its source. And you only get one chance to play it out..."

Just try and figure out your own divorce. And they say there is no fate, but there is: it's what you create. And even though the world goes on for eons and eons, you are only here for a fraction of a fraction of a second. Most of your time is spent being dead or not yet born. But while alive, you wait in vain, wasting years, for a phone call or a letter or a look from someone or something to make it all right. And it never comes or it seems to but it doesn't really. And so you spend your time in vague regret or vaguer hope that something good will come along. Something to make you feel connected, something to make you feel whole, something to make you feel loved. And the truth is I feel so angry, and the truth is I feel so fucking sad, and the truth is I've felt so fucking hurt for so fucking long and for just as long I've been pretending I'm OK, just to get along, just for, I don't know why, maybe because no one wants to hear about my misery, because they have their own. Well, fuck everybody. Amen. 

Synecdoche, New York

Of whom I most admire: And I Love You (top)  Swan Dive (bottom)

Artist: Laurel Holloman

I feel so displaced in every way. Uprooted. Uplifted. Reality shifted. I need to get this off my chest. But i can't explain the way I feel, as I have never felt these feelings before. To be totally alone is to be totally honest with oneself. I am learning about myself for the first time it seems and surprisingly I really like what I find. Not under the layers of suppressed individualism do i find scared uncertainty, but rather a bold idealistic young spirit that knows exactly what to do.  Deepest satisfaction in the survival and preservation of an essence. It's beauty in a raw form and honesty served 3xs a day. I never expected results to yield this, but here I am . It feels fucking fantastic. To love myself in the rawest form and to answer to no one. I stand alone and each passing minute gives me confidence that tomorrow will be a better day.

"Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, And sorry I could not travel both-And be one traveler, long I stood and looked down one as far as I could... To where it bent in the undergrowth..."

Words are flying out like 
endless rain into a paper cup 
They slither while they pass 
They slip away across the universe 
Pools of sorrow waves of joy 
are drifting thorough my open mind 
Possessing and caressing me 

Images of broken light which 
dance before me like a million eyes 
That call me on and on across the universe 
Thoughts meander like a 
restless wind inside a letter box
they tumble blindly as
they make their way across the universe 

Salvation Mountain

Sounds of laughter shades of life 
are ringing through my open ears 
exciting and inviting me 
Limitless undying love which
shines around me like a million suns
It calls me on and on across the universe 

Our frustration is greater when we have much and want more than when we have nothing and want some. We are less dissatisfied when we lack many things than when we seem to lack but one thing.

"She wondered if all the firsts in her life would go by so quickly, and be forgotten just as quickly." 

"Love conquers all." "Every cloud has a silver lining." "Faith can move mountains." "Love will always find a way." "Everything happens for a reason." "Where there is life, there is hope."
Oh, well... They gotta tell you somethin'...

Charlize Theron Monster

Was I ever crazy? Maybe. Or maybe life is... Crazy isn't being broken or swallowing a dark secret. It's you or me amplified. If you ever told a lie and enjoyed it. If you ever wished you could be a child forever. They were not perfect, but they were my friends and by the '70s most of them were out living lives. Some I've seen, some never again, but there isn't a day my heart doesn't find them.

Winona Ryder Girl Interrupted

It's a lie. It's a bunch of sad strangers photographed beautifully, and... all the glittering assholes who appreciate art say it's beautiful 'cause that's what they wanna see. But the people in the photos are sad, and alone... But the pictures make the world seem beautiful, so... the exhibition is reassuring which makes it a lie, and everyone loves a big fat lie. 

(Natalie Portman, Closer)

"I'm looking for a book... something that can help me deal with what might be an awkward situation. Something funny might be nice, but not necessarily big, 'ha, ha, ha,' 'laugh, laugh, laugh' funny, and certainly not make-fun-of-other-people funny but rather something human-funny. And, uh, if it could uh, sneak up on you, surprise you, and at the same time make you think that what you thought wasn't only right, in a wrong kind of way, but when you're wrong, there's a certain rightness in your wrongness... Well, what I mean is, more importantly, I'm looking to be swept up! And at the same time, not. " -(Emily Blunt, Dan in Real Life)

"I'm through accepting limits 'cause someone says they're so Some things I cannot change But till I try, I'll never know! Too long I've been afraid of Losing love I guess I've lost Well, if that's love It comes at much too high a cost! I'd sooner buy Defying gravity Kiss me goodbye I'm defying gravity And you can't pull me down"

“We both care about the quality of life, and you know, I like the choices you make, and the things that you surround yourself with. I mean, there’s attention to beauty, I think that’s important. And I’m comfortable with the people in your world, and I think you’re comfortable with the people in mine.”

 "I don't like this. I don't like it, Its going to get fucking hot in here
in about two seconds, I can't take the heat. I'm gonna a panic attack I know I am.
I don't want to breath too deeply I'll take up all the oxygen."

"I suddenly understood that even love and caring weren't always enough. They were the concrete bricks of our relationship, but unstable without the mortar of time spent together, time without the threat of imminent separation hanging over us." 

"Believe me, I'm no romantic, and while I've heard all about love at first sight, I've never believed in it, and I still don't. But even so, there was something there, something recognizably real, and I couldn't look away." 

"I finally understood what true love meant...love meant that you care for another person's happiness more than your own, no matter how painful the choices you face might be." 

" It should not be denied that being footloose has always exhilarated us. It is associated in our minds with escape from history and oppression and law and irksome obligations. Absolute freedom. And the road has always led west. "

If we admit that human life can be ruled by reason, then all possibility of life is destroyed.

When you want something in life, you just gotta reach out and grab it.

You won't find faith or hope down a telescope
You won't find heart and soul in the stars
you can break everything, got the chemicals?
but you can't explain a love like ours.

-Faith and Science THE SCRIPT

HOPE. GRATITUDE. JOY.

I met someone here who believes that to get anything great in life,

you have to make some sort of sacrifice.

Yin and Yang. Action -reaction...

Life takes something from you  that you value and appreciate,

in order to give you something even better in return.

I hope that is true.

ALL QUOTES FROM INTO THE WILD

"But mostly, I was crying because I was suddenly very aware of the fact that it was me standing up in that tunnel with the wind over my face. Not caring if I saw downtown. Not even thinking about it. Because I was standing in the tunnel. And I was really there. And that was enough to make me feel infinite." _Perks of Being A Wallflower

I'm coming home, I'm coming home 
Tell the World that I'm coming...

A house is Not a Home, I hate this song 
Is a house really a home when your loved ones are gone...

Back where I belong, yeah I never felt so strong 
I feel like there's nothing that I can't try 
And if you with me put your hands high 
If you ever lost a light before, this ones for you 
And you, the dreams are for you 

"Sometimes, I look outside, and i think that a lot of other people have seen this snow before. Just like I think that a lot of other people have read those books before. And listened to those songs.
I wonder how they feel tonight."

I Love it here. I've  not even been her 48 hours, and I knew within the first 48 minutes that everything was worth it.

I'm in love with the city, the  people, the sights, the noise, the buildings.

I love every part of the adventure of figuring out what  I want my days to be like, where I'm going.

I love meeting new people and listening to their stories.

Every time I look and see that I'm staring at the Manhattan Skyline I pinch myself and wonder how I got so lucky.

I can already tell this is going to be the most amazing year of my life.

So much to learn. Every day is brand new filled with things I've never done before.

So worth it.

The  things  about being totally alone-when you are a recipient of any type of kindness...anything big or small you become so grateful.

Everything holds so much more meaning.

It's total freedom.

I'm living the dream.

Eternally grateful for all my blessings.

"I've traveled far and I've burned all the bridges I believed as soon as I hit land all the other options held before me, would wither in the light of my plan."

Mentally I have already left. 

This no longer feels like home.

Homesick.
Because I no longer know where home is. 

-Kings of Convenience

"If I were thinking clearly, Leonard, I would tell you that I wrestle alone in the dark, in the deep dark, and that only I can know. Only I can understand my condition. You live with the threat, you tell me you live with the threat of my extinction. Leonard, I live with it too." -Virgina Woolf

 "I remember one morning getting up at dawn, there was such a sense of possibility. You know, that feeling? And I remember thinking to myself: So, this is the beginning of happiness. This is where it starts. And of course there will always be more. It never occurred to me it wasn't the beginning. It was happiness. It was the moment. Right then." 

(THE HOURS)

"I don't know... the weight of it, I guess. At some point, it becomes bearable. It turns into something that you can crawl out from under and... carry around like a brick in your pocket. And you... you even forget it, for a while. But then you reach in for whatever reason and - there it is. Oh right, that." 

(RABBIT HOLE)

"All this while I've been packing ice around my heart. How do I make it melt?"

(cold mountain)

“I'm a person that carries everything that happened to me in my past, with me into the future. I refuse to let it make me bitter. I still completely believe in love and I remain open to anything that will happen to me,”

-Nicole Kidman

"You will never find a group of people who love one another more and who look after one another as lovingly as these friends do. You can give me any army, assembly of God and I would put my posse up against them, because they are so tight and fiercely loyal..."

"We cannot change our past. We can not change the fact that people act in a certain way. We can not change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude."

"I just tried to put myself in her place and figure out what would be the scariest thing. If I thought I might be dying. And it was being alone' ... 'To me,' she said, 'the scariest thing is oblivion. Being, and then not being." 

(Patricia Gaffney The Saving Graces)

Not Photographed By Me, Original Site

"I couldn't sleep last night because I know that it's over between us. I'm not bitter anymore, because I know that what we had was real. And if in some distant place in the future we see each other in our new lives, I'll smile at you with joy and remember how we spent the summer beneath the trees, learning from each other and growing in love. The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds, and that's what you've given me. That's what I hope to give to you forever. I love you. I'll be seeing you. "

 -The Notebook

"When was the last time you wanted to say it all to the right person? To have it all come out right, to surprise yourself at how together you could be. When was the last time you ever met someone who made you want to give it all to them? I mean give yourself to them...

....Where you couldn't express yourself enough - like you wanted to cut off one of your arms to be understood. That's it - you would cut your head off to have someone understand you. You know how pointless that one is. You know how many times you've smashed yourself to bits on the rocks.”

"My feelings for you shame me into silence. The truth of this and your name will never be revealed. It is you who has made me realize the failure of my life. The thought of you fills me with longing and at the same time, a burning humiliation that produces scar tissue and dead brain cells. Your existence mocks me and I am unable to confront this. You have no idea of any of this. None of this is your fault. It is completely with me. It is you who makes me see what I really am. I am weak and out of touch with myself."

Quotes by Henry Rollins

I am in love with my life.

Okay, this may not be completely true...but in general, I really do love my life. I was about to go into specifics but I decided against it as the stories of my experiences are not completely mine to tell. But I have learned a lot about life through the inspection of the people around me and their struggles and triumphs...there have been many this year. It seems like an endless string of honest life events lately and I can't help but feel slightly in awe of the "bigger picture." So much is unknown, and I truly believe that life is a constant learning process. Dealing with what comes day to day is a challenge I'm learning to master...life is a constant balancing act. Appreciating every moment as an opportunity to learn and observe. So much of life is just dealing with it. The unplanned, the unexpected, and the unpredictable...that's what keeps things interesting. I feel blessed in so many ways and I feel challenged in all the same. I think challenges are blessings because they create a sense of character and force you into honest introspection. I have learned that LOVE can be shown in all types of ways and you are the only true judge of the sincerity of the love you give and only you can accept or reject the love that is shown to you. I feel so ridiculously in touch with myself. I feel so free and so fluid. There is an endless possibility of scenarios and I can't wait to discover my path. And It's an accomplishment because so often I feel incredibly lost. But lately even the things that don't really make sense have begun to seem logical. It's this perfect balance of understanding my thoughts and actions and being able to relate them to life in a really real way. I may be able to truly appreciate things I have never appreciated before, in this way.

Come on February, I'm ready!!!!!!!!!